


Nuts and Bolts

by SorchaCahill



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Drama, F/F, F/M, Fictober 2018, Implied Sexual Content, PTSD, Romance, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-07-23 13:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 25,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16159868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SorchaCahill/pseuds/SorchaCahill
Summary: These are the adventures of Lena Shepard, engineer, survivor of Mindoir and Akuze, and Commander of the Normandy. Written for Fictober 2018, a collection of loosely related snippets about Magdalena “Lena” Shepard. Takes place over the Mass Effect trilogy.





	1. Plan

 

“How did you do this again?”

“Misjudged the number of steps on the ladder leading down to engineering.”

“You do realize there’s an elevator, yes?” Chakwas asked.

“Not a fan of elevators. They take too long. Ladders are quicker.”

“Commander I don’t know how to break this to you, but taking shortcuts that put you in med bay does not save time. Captain Anderson will be less than amused if his XO is out of commission before the first mission even starts.”

“Still getting the hang of the _Normandy’s_ unique gravity fields.”

Dr Chakwas raised an eyebrow at that. Lena shrugged. “It’s different from the last ship I served on. You work on enough of these ships you can tell the difference.”

“If that was the case one would think you would be able to compensate.”

Lena shrugged again, flinching slightly as Chakwas applied the medi-gel. She hated this. Not Chakwas, of course not, she hated med bays period. They brought back too many memories. Too many memories of times that she would rather forget. Of all the times that she escaped death when she shouldn’t have.

“I’m not supposed to be here.”

“I assure you that Captain Anderson wouldn’t have you here if you didn’t deserve it.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“I mean this,” Lena made a vague waving gesture with her free hand. “All this, it wasn’t part of the plan. I was headed for engineering school when the Batarians attacked. I wanted to build ships not blow them up. This was not part of the plan.”

“And having a plan is important to you.”

Lena glared at Chakwas. “You’re supposed to patch up my arm not my brain.”

“You brought it up, Commander, I’m simply following your line of thought.”

A sigh ran through her. “It just feels like my life has been out of control since Mindoir. I have no control over it and it pisses me off.”

“You know what they say, God laughs while you make plans.”

“That just makes God an asshole.”

Chakwas laughed as she continued patching up Lena’s arm. “Maybe, maybe not, it’s hard to say. I have to admit, I didn’t think I’d stay with the Alliance as long as I have. I quickly lost my romanticized idea of being in the military; I thought I’d have my own practice by now.”

Lena looked at her curiously. “What stopped you?”

“People like you, all the soldiers I’ve treated over the years. I just can’t leave them for some cushy medical center job. Out here I can make a difference. And whether or not you believe it, so are you.”

Lena frowned looking down at her hands, her fingers twisted together. Was she though? In her mind Lena had failed more than she had succeeded. She’d survived Mindoir but lost her family; she’d lost her entire squad on Akuze and still suffered nightmares from it. She never wanted to be in charge but fate and circumstance had put her in the position she was now. Her father’s voice echoed in her mind, “ _Don’t take life so seriously, Lena, it’ll only drag you down. Go after your passions, sate that curious mind of yours. The trick of it all is learning how to deal with life while living it._ ”

She tried to live by that advice but hell if it wasn’t difficult at times.

“There, you’re all done. Go tinker with something. It will calm your mind.”

It was on the tip of her tongue to say “yes Mom” but she managed to refrain, not knowing how Chakwas would take it as they hadn’t known each other all that long. She shrugged on her shirt, careful to mind the bandage on her arm.

“That’s not a bad idea. We’ve got a good three hours until we reach Eden Prime. Plenty of time to get my hands dirty before I have to put my XO hat on again. I’m sure that the Mako’s weapon system could use some calibrations.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are welcomed and appreciated! :)


	2. Cage

“Goddamn this fucking piece of shit! Just go back where you belong you absolute fuck nugget.”

“Ah, problem there Skipper?”

Lena wiped the fresh oil from her face and turned her head to see Ashley’s boots standing next to the Mako. She glared up at the drive axle and dared it to spit more oil at her before she spoke again. “I’m fine. It’s this thing. Came down here to fix it and now it won’t go, back, in,” she said, shoving at the shaft with each word. Her hand slipped and caught on a bolt and she swore again as she felt her skin break. Disgusted with both herself and the Mako, she wheeled herself out from underneath it, grabbing for the cloth hanging over her toolbox.

“Perhaps if just maybe you didn’t try to climb vertically up mountains…”

“Are you disparaging my driving, Chief?”

“I would never but you know we have mechanics right? To do this sort of thing?”

Risking the wrath of Chakwas, Lena sucked on the wound on her hand before shaking it out. “It’s just a simple fix.” She glared again at the Mako. "Or it was supposed to be. This thing has a mind of its own I swear. If I ever find the engineer who designed this I’m going to have a long heart to heart with them. This thing was supposed to be an upgrade to the Grizzly and it’s no better than a toddler’s tricycle.”

“If a tricycle had six wheels, micro thrusters, and a mass accelerator cannon.”

“Is that sarcasm I hear?”

“No, ma’am. I don’t even know what sarcasm is.”

“If you say so,” Lena said as she stood up, wiping her hands off on her BDUs. “Something I can help you with, Williams?”

“I, well,” Ashley started.

“Ashley, what’s wrong?” Lena looked closer at the Gunnery Chief and saw faint lines of stress at the corners of the other woman’s eyes. Something was definitely wrong.

“You mean besides your driving, Skipper?”

“Ashley.”

“It’s just, it’s what happened on Eden Prime, ma’am. It doesn’t sit right with me. All those people. What the Geth did. I don’t understand. It doesn’t make any damn sense.”

Lena sighed and leaned back against the Mako. She rubbed the back of her neck, feeling some of the anxiety she’d felt earlier start to trickle back in. The vision, whatever it had been, had unnerved her more than she wanted to admit. It stuck with her, making her brain feel like it was in a cage, a prisoner of whatever it was the beacon had shoved into her head. She still couldn’t make heads or tails of it and it annoyed her to no end. From an early age she’d been taking things apart to learn how they worked but that was machines, the fleshy bits were as alien to her as insides of a Rachni egg sac. She never was good at biology and she hated mind games, and what were visions if not one giant mind game.

“No, Ash, it sure as hell doesn’t but I’m hoping that by stopping Saren we can try to make sense of what’s happening.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Ah, hell, I don’t know, but I hope so. I guess we just have to have faith that it will.”

Ashley raised an eyebrow, a small smile forming on her lips. “Faith, Skipper? Really?”

“Faith comes in all forms, Chief. We’ll just have to wait to see if it pays out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are welcomed and appreciated! :)


	3. Goat

“Oh, come on, what the hell was that? The ball was right there.”

Lena was walking out of her quarters when she heard loud grumbling coming from the mess hall, her mind focused on the data stream coming from her omni-tool. Rounding the corner she saw a half dozen members the crew circled around one of the vid screens. Not for the first time she wished that she was just a few inches taller. She met the Alliance regs for height, barely, and it was always a bit of a sore spot for her, especially when she had been among other marines. Some of her fellow marines, especially when she had first joined up had seen her short stature as something of a joke, saying that she was more like a kid sister tagging along instead of a fully trained soldier. That impression disappeared after Akuze and her so-called legend began.

“What’s going on here?”

The group went quiet so quickly it would have been hilarious if it wasn’t annoying. Ever since she took command of the  _ Normandy _ , effectively replacing Anderson, the crew began looking at her differently. Actually, that wasn’t entirely true. It had started after Eden Prime when she’d interacted with the Prothean beacon. Sighing, she closed the display on her omni-tool and waited for a response.

“We’re just watching the last game between the Cubs and the Loonies, Commander,” said Chief Engineer Adams, his face flushed red like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “Cubs are down by four.”

The crowd parted as Lena approached the vid screen. She quietly watched the screen, pursing her lips as the players scrambled across the field chasing the ball. Several crew members groaned as the ball skidded down the third base line.

“The Curse ended in back in 2016, who’s being the Goat?”

“Commander?” Adams asked, his eyes wide, a sense of awe filling his voice.

“The Curse of The Billy Goat. Started in 1945 I believe when someone on the team insulted a goat.”

“Someone insulted a goat?” this from one of the younger crew members who looked like they were about thirteen.

“Kids these days, don’t you know your history Nunez? No respect for the game, I swear,” said Pressly. He turned to Lena. “I didn’t realize you followed baseball, Commander.”

“Oh, even us colony kids know the game. My mom was a total nut about it, she’d watch old vids of the classics during the off season. I think the only thing she regretted about living on Mindoir was that we didn’t have a league.” Lena tilted her head, a slight smile forming as the memories came back to her. “Not sure why she latched onto the Chicago Cubs but she always had a bit of a soft spot for the underdog.”

“But what does a goat have to do with the team sucking?” asked another crewmember.

Lena chuckled. “Legend has it that a local tavern owner tried to bring his goat to a game and was turned away at the gates. What did he say?” She tilted her head to the side, searching her memory. “Ah yes.  _ Them Cubs, they ain’t gonna win no more. _ And thus began a 71 year losing streak.”

“That’s bullshit. Curses aren’t real. Ah, respectfully, ma’am,” said Nunez, her face flushing a little

“Maybe, maybe not, Ensign, doesn’t change the fact that the Cubbies didn’t win a World Series until 2016.” She nodded to the screen. “You never did answer my question. Who’s the goat?”

“Whole damn team stinks, Commander,” said Pressly. “If you ask me the only one doing their job is the mascot and even there I’m doubtful.”

“What, did Archer neglect to use black laces instead of white again?”

“No, Commander, they’re just playing against a superior team. The Loonies are strong this season. The XO here is just worried about losing some credits,” said Kaidan as he approached the group, a cup of coffee in his hand and a shit-eating grin on his face.

Pressly made a face. “Never bet against the home team, Lieutenant, you should know that.”

“Oh, I know, XO. I know.”

Lena raised an eyebrow. “Gambling, Kaidan? You?”

“Just a friendly wager, Commander. I promise.”

“Really,” she said, not quite buying it.

“Yes, ma’am. Loser buys dinner on the Citadel next time we make port.”

Lena sensed a lull fall among the group and just like that she wasn’t another baseball fan but their commanding officer again. Sighing internally, Lena put on a brave smile. “Well, I’ll let you get back to it.” She started to turn away when a thought occurred to her and she turned back, her lips twitching a little as the imp on her shoulder whispered in her ear. “Oh, Lieutenant, I’ll take that bet. The Loonies bench isn’t that deep and if I’m not mistaken their best closer is out with a rotator cuff injury. Wouldn’t be surprised if the Cubs rally in the eighth and take the lead with a walk-off single.”

“I, uh, yes ma’am.”

“Keep me updated, Pressly. I’m quite fond of that Japanese cafe on the Silversun Strip. The sushi there is quite good.” She nodded at the group and headed up to the bridge, a slight spring in her step as she pondered what she was going to order when she won the bet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are welcomed and appreciated! :)


	4. Dead Trees

Lena stood next to the Mako, trying to control her breathing. Her helmet hung limply from her hand, a large acid burn scraping along the side. It’d been a stroke of luck that she’d just been grazed by it, she’d known others who hadn’t been so fortunate. She could feel sweat dribbling down her spine and wished that she could reach it but with her armor on that was impossible. The metallic taste of blood coated her tongue as she spat out a glob of blood and spit. Birds called overheard, already circling the corpse of the thresher maw they’d just killed. There was a tight ball of nerves in her chest wanting to burst, making it difficult to breathe. She could hear Liara and Ashley talking but couldn’t make out the words.

Squeezing her eyes shut, Lena tried to shut out the cries of the carrion birds. They swooped above them, hungry, impatient, but not quite brave enough yet to take their share of the unexpected bounty. And what a meal they would have.

Moving farther away from her squadmates Lena rounded the Mako, bracing herself against it with one arm. She could feel the muscles quiver as her vision swam and felt like she was about to vomit.

“No dammit, not now,” she whispered fervently but it was no use, she’d never had much luck in suppressing the panic attacks when they came. The therapist the Alliance had forced her to see after what happened on Akuze had offered several ways to calm herself but none really worked. The only thing that gave her a some semblance of peace was working on model ships. Her apartment on the Citadel was filled with them but it wasn’t practical for her to have them while on the Normandy. Space was a premium and she couldn’t waste it on what most considered a frivolous hobby.

Closing her eyes she tried to take in slow, deep breaths but that knot in her chest had only grown bigger. Visions, memories flashed behind her closed eyes. Images of her platoon dying one by one, their armor burned through by the thresher maw’s acid, dead eyes staring up into the night sky. She remembered running, blood and the stench of death following her as she ran to the LZ. Her fellow marines fell one by one as they all ran, some taken by acid splashes, some not able to stay on their feet when the threshers burst through the ground.

Lena wasn’t sure how long the battle had been, fear had a funny way of either contracting an event into seconds or stretching it out to feel like days, but she was sure that she had aged at least a year that night, evidenced by the slight grey streaks that still ran through her hair. A vainer person might have dyed it but she considered it a small price to pay for being the sole survivor.

The final push to the LZ had been grueling, the transport hovering a mere five feet from the tarmac. She remembered lobbing a couple of drones behind her, praying to a god that she’d had a tenuous relationship with that they would buy her enough time to get to the transport. She could still hear the shrieking of the threshers, the screaming of an entire platoon dying.

Her hand twitched, causing her helmet to bounce against the side of the Mako. Rage suddenly filled her and without thinking she hurled her helmet across the ground, falling to her knees screaming, rage flooding her. Distantly she heard the rushing of feet as she cradled her head in her hands and tried to block out the memories. She’d made it to the transport, the only one to do so. As the transport had lifted off, she’d clung to a side rail, looking over the battlefield. Threshers rampaged through the area, destroying everything they touched. Buildings burned while the bodies of her platoon lay strewn over the battlefield like fallen dead trees.

Caught up in the memory she barely felt Liara kneeling next to her, placing a careful hand on her shoulder. She allowed the asari’s touch if for no other reason than she wasn’t capable of doing otherwise. Tears broke through the sweat coating her face as she let out gasping sobs.

“Shepard, it’s okay. Breathe, just breathe. Concentrate on the sound of my voice.”

Lena squeezed her eyes shut tighter and tried to do as Liara said but the voices of the dead were so loud. She thought the ground was shaking again, tremors brought on by another thresher but it was just her.

“The only one. I was the only one. The only one,” she whispered, her voice hoarse after all the screaming.

Dimly she heard Liara say, “She must be talking about Akuze.”

“Aw, hell.”

“That’s one way of putting it. Can you get some water, Ashley? She could probably use some.”

Lena felt herself coming back into herself and with it a raging headache. The voices quieted until all she could hear was the wind. She half slumped, half fell on her ass before she let her head fall back and rest on the Mako’s bumper. Ashley return with a canteen of water and carefully handed. Lena took it from her, giving her a nod of thanks before taking a careful mouthful of water. She closed her eyes again, calmer now.

“You okay, Skipper?”

“I will be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, look. I made myself sad. Apologies.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are welcomed and appreciated! :)


	5. Reckoning

_ “You can’t stop what I’ve put in motion.” _

_ “Go, Commander. Don’t worry about me.” _

_ “We need to get out of here.” _

_ “I can’t let you interfere and for that you must die.” _

_ “There’s too many. I’m activating the nuke.” _

_ “Shepard, don’t do this.” _

_ “You can’t stop it. Their arrival is inevitable.” _

_ “It should have been me.” _

_ “Embrace eternity.” _

Lena leaned against the viewport thinking about all that had just happened. Kaidan was dead and Ashley was furious with her for her decision to not save him. Guilt wracked her. She should have been able to find a way to save them both. If only she’d had enough time. If only that first shot had killed Saren. If only she’d been faster, smarter.

If only.

She really wanted to stop losing people. Didn’t she have enough blood on her hands?

Had she made the right decision? Lena shook her head violently. No, she couldn’t think like that. She’d made the decision. It was done and she’d just have to move on.

Saren was fooling himself. The Reapers may let him keep some kernel of control but once he did what they wanted they would take everything that made him who he was and leave only a husk. He was a dead man walking, he just didn’t realize it yet.

Before Virmire she might have had some sympathy for him, he allegedly wanted to save the galaxy, to preserve it so it didn’t fall to the same fate as that of the Protheans, but after? After she could see that once he had started down this path there was only one outcome.

She had to stop him. Had to stop the Reapers.

Liara had helped her to make more sense of the vision and the vague sense of danger she’d felt before increased tenfold. She saw the invasion, saw the devastation. 

A reckoning was coming. It burned in her gut, in her soul. Saren would pay for the lives he had taken. She would hunt him to the ends of the galaxy if needs be.

Lena looked down at her hands and saw the blood of all the people who had died under her watch. Anger near consumed her as she clenched them into fists, feeling the bite of her nails into her skin.

She took a deep breath and unclenched her hands. Looking down she saw tiny half moons pressed into her skin. Though she hadn’t drawn blood the pain focused her. 

No more. It ended here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, I did it again.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are welcomed and appreciated! :)


	6. Tentacles

“Shepard how can you watch this garbage? It’s ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous.”

Lena looked over at Ashley and tried, she really did, not to laugh at the expression on her squadmate’s face. It lay somewhere between despair and disbelief. And it was perfect.

“Which is exactly why I watch it.  _ Blasto  _ is beyond ridiculous but it makes me laugh.”

“Couldn’t we watch  _ Fleet and Flotilla _ instead? It’s very good, unlike this, this, whatever it is,” said Tali, gesturing at the screen. 

“I like it. Lots of explosions. Though  _ Rock Humpers _ is much better,” Wrex said before downing his drink and letting out a belch.

“You just like it because it’s about krogans,” Tali accused.

“Well, yeah.”

“What about  _ Krannt Hardly Wait? _ I’ve heard that’s pretty good,” Tali asked.

“What is it with you and the mushy stuff? No self-respecting krogan would ask a human for relationship advice.”

“Ha! So you have seen it,” Tali said, her delighted laugh rang throughout the room.

“It was the only thing in the database on one of my jobs,” Wrex grumbled. 

“I still don’t get this movie. A hanar cop? They’re all tentacles and a head. Where does he keep all those guns? You can’t just velcro them to your back, you need a holster or something,” said Ashley as she made a face at the screen. “See! Look at that. His gun just appeared out of nowhere. It’s so unrealistic!”

“I don’t think they were going for realism when they made this movie, Ash.”

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to side with the Chief and Tali on this one, Shepard.  _ Blasto _ is near unwatchable.”

“Millions of people and billions made at the box office would disagree with you Garrus.”

“It just means that you humans have no taste in cinema. Tali’s right,  _ Fleet and Flotilla _ is a much better movie by far.”

“Garrus, I had no idea you went for the mushy stuff as our krogan friend here calls it. I would have thought you’d prefer those turian war epics.”

“They have their place, Shepard, but I don’t mind a little variety once in a while.”

“It’s too bad that Liara couldn’t join us. This is fun,” Tali said.

“Please, she heard the word Blasto and thought about taking the next transport back to Thessia. Besides, if it’s not about Protheans she’s not interested,” said Garrus.

“Come on,  _ Blasto _ isn’t that bad, but if you ask me, and I notice that no one here  _ did _ , you’re neglecting a whole genre of movies that have shocked and awed audiences for decades.”

“Joker, we  _ work _ in space, I have no desire to watch horror films about space. We get enough of that already.”

“You wound me to my very soul, Commander. The Alien movies are classics. Well, the first two anyway. They really should have stopped after that. Those were a total disaster and an insult to the series.”

Ashley rolled her eyes. “Yes, Joker, your feelings on the Alien movies are  _ well _ known.”

Lena smiled. This was nice. Just taking a moment to breathe and argue about movies. Just acting like people instead of soldiers. When she suggested a movie night at her apartment she didn’t think anyone would be interested, so to see half the crew here made her happier than she’d been in a long time.

“Tell you what, Joker. If you can get us through the next relay with less than two percent drift I’ll watch that space wizard movie you’re always going on about.”

“First, it’s  _ Star Wars _ and they’re Jedi, not wizards. And second, it is  _ on _ .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, I can be lighthearted!
> 
> Also, all those movies are canon compliant believe it or not. The [entertainment page](http://masseffect.wikia.com/wiki/Entertainment) on the Mass Effect wiki is freaking GOLD. You should totally check it out!
> 
> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are welcomed and appreciated! :)


	7. Artifact

“These discs,” Liara took a deep breath as her hand hovered over them, a slight tremble belying her eagerness. “These discs, Shepard. They could be the key to unlocking everything. We know so little about the Protheans and yet their artifacts are found all across the galaxy. If we could decode just one, just  _ one _ of these, think of the treasure trove of information we could find, the secrets we could unlock. These discs are the most promising source of Prothean information ever recovered. We can’t not look for more.”

“I don’t know, Liara. For all we know it could just be the recipe for the Prothean version for chicken soup.”

“This is nothing to joke about, Chief Williams. It’s not hyperbole when I say that the contents of these discs could save the galaxy. They could hold secrets about the Reapers, secrets that could save us.”

Lena looked down at the battered case that contained the discs. They had come across them quite by accident. She’d almost just left them but some impulse made her pick them up and bring them back to the  _ Normandy _ . Liara hadn’t been with them on planet when she had uncovered them and Lena had thought that the asari scientist was going to faint when she told her about the box. Once she’d recovered from her shock, Liara had burst past Lena, nearly shoving her aside in her haste to get to the cargo bay. 

The last time Lena had seen her this excited was when she had learned that Lena had touched the Prothean beacon and survived. It had made her a bit uncomfortable at the time, Liara’s interest in her. Unintentionally or not, Liara had made her feel like one of the precious artifacts she’d uncovered at a dig site. Something to be studied and analyzed. It was only after Lena had allowed her to mind-meld, it was the best way she could describe it, that Liara had backed off. Seeing her memories, all of them, while not extinguishing her enthusiasm for all things Prothean, had at least made her more aware of how her interest was perceived.

“Please Shepard, let me study them. I know there’s something to be discovered here. I just know it.”

“Would it be better to send them back to Thessia? I’m sure they’re better equipped to decode and study these things.”

“Do you know how long that would take? First they would want to verify their authenticity, which I’ve already done. Then they would want to see the sites where they were found, which we’re already done. Then they would debate if it would really benefit the galaxy by spending resources decoding them. No, too much time would be wasted. I can do this here. I’ve already developed several logarithms that can help parse the data.  _ No one _ has the experience I have to do this. Please, let me do this.”

Lena remained silent for a moment, processing what Liara was telling her. Liara wasn’t wrong when she said that the asari scientists on Thessia would want to double and triple check everything before even considering on a course of action. When one lived for a thousand years they could afford to take the time, but they didn’t have that kind of time, not when they had to stop Saren. If Liara could decipher even a small portion and that could help them, then it would be worth pissing off the Thessian science council. It wouldn’t be the first time she had done so.

“Alright Liara, go ahead. We know there are more and if we come across them they’re all yours. I can’t afford to take side trips to go find them however, so you’re going to have to work with what you’ve got.”

“Of course, Shepard. Thank you. You can’t know how much this means to me.”

“I have an idea,” Lena muttered as she watched Liara bring up the scanner on her omni-tool, talking to herself as she worked.

“I think we’ve been dismissed, Skipper,” Ashley said in a stage whisper. Lena elbowed her even as she grinned. She could appreciate Liara’s enthusiasm and focus. After all, she wasn’t so different when she was elbow deep in the Mako’s guts or focusing on some engineering puzzle Chief Adams brought her.

“Come on Ash, let’s leave her to her work. I’ll buy you a burger in the mess.”

Ashley made a face. “Am I being punished for something? Those burgers taste like cardboard.”

“You could always eat the lasagna.”

A pause. “I think I’ll stick with the burger.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are welcomed and appreciated! :)


	8. Warehouse

“I don’t like this Shepard.”

“What’s not to like? We’re in a warehouse on a nameless asteroid of questionable value in the ass-end of the galaxy with a bunch of batarians trying to kill us. Seems like Thursday to me.”

“Not funny.”

“It’s totally funny. I am hilarious after all,” Lena said as she crouched behind a crate, staying out of the line of fire. 

“Don’t forget the Varren. These batarians don’t have the quads to take us on without them.”

“Yes, of course, we musn’t forget about the varren. That would be tragic. Especially considering that one of them just tried to chew my leg off.”

“Bah, that was just a love bite. You know they’re really serious when they go for your throat.”

“How comforting,” Ashley muttered, slapping a fresh thermal clip into her rifle. “Can’t you just toss a stasis field around them so we can get on with it?”

“What the hell do you think I’ve been doing. They ain’t exactly holding still.”

Lena peaked around the corner to gauge how many batarians were left and had to duck back quickly as they launched another barrage. Her shields took a hit before she could settle back behind the crate. “Is it just me or does this group of batarians seem especially grumpy?”

“They do seem to have it in for you Shepard. What’d you do to piss them off?”

“How the hell should I know, Wrex. Maybe because I’m still breathing.”

“A good a reason as any I suppose.”

“Less banter, more shooting please.”

“Ashley’s right. Time is limited. We have to get the rest of the torches shut down before it’s too late. If we don’t, millions are going to die.”

“I hope these scientists realize that just turning off the torches aren’t going to be enough. You know, being that we’re in space and physics and stuff. Otherwise we’re getting shot at for nothing.”

“We better get on it then.”

* * *

“This was supposed to be just a simple slave grab, hijacking this rock wasn’t my idea.”

“Just, a simple, slave grab,” Lena said slowly, her hand tightening ever so slightly on her Predator pistol.

“Ah, shit,” said Ashley from behind her. She heard the slight flare of Wrex’s biotics flare as she kept her eyes on the batarian who called himself Charn.

“Yes,” he said. “This was all Balak’s thing. He’s obsessed with destroying all humans. He’s ordered me to kill you but we can solve this peacefully. I’m done taking orders from him.”

“Solve this peacefully. Like you would have solved it  _ peacefully _ if you’d taken these people as slaves instead of hurtling this rock into Terra Nova? Like you’ve solved it  _ peacefully _ when you’ve attacked colonies and trade ships for your  _ slaves _ ? That kind of peacefully?”

Lena was shaking. Rage like she’d never felt before burned inside her. She could hear the screams of her parents and friends as the batarians had descended upon Mindoir. She could still smell the smoke and blood. Charn must have recognized the fury in her eyes as he took an involuntary step back. 

“Look, we can make a deal here. This doesn’t have to end in violence.”

She raised her Predator and fired a single shot, smoke trailing out from the center of Charn’s forehead as he dropped to the floor.

“It always ends in violence. You don’t give us a choice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah.... Lena went full renegade there. Can't say as I blame her.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are welcomed and appreciated! :)


	9. Breathe

It was all noise, light, and heat. Panels burst when the beam cut through the  _ Normandy _ , sparking fires that gutted out once exposed to the vacuum of space. And then there was silence, nothing but the sound of her own breathing as she walked through what had once been the  _ Normandy’s  _ CIC _.  _ Above her she could see the muddy brown planet, looming like some giant god of old. Noise came rushing back through her ear piece as she heard the crew evacuating to the escape pods, heard both Liara and Ashley herding them in with Ashley using slightly harsher language than Liara. She also heard Joker cursing as he tried to maneuver the dying  _ Normandy _ away from the mysterious ship that had broken her.

She remembered having to pull Joker out of the pilot’s chair, feeling his arm snap as she did so. The  _ Normandy  _ burned as she shoved Joker into the escape pod. The attacking ship fired again, it’s beam cutting through the hull like a hot knife through butter. She lost her grip on the bulkhead as another explosion rocked the  _ Normandy _ . Joker’s voice yelled at her frantically through her earpiece before that too shorted out and she was left in silence again.

Another explosion and she was blown free of the  _ Normandy _ , spiraling out of control. She tried to grab onto something, anything to slow down but she was moving too fast to grab anything. Something smashed into her behind, sending her into a tailspin. Lena tried desperately to orient herself but without something to grab onto to stop her spin or a boosters to reorient herself she’d be like this perpetuity or until she crashed into something because she couldn’t avoid it.

Physics was a bitch.

And that’s when she heard it, a hissing sound that echoed in her helmet a half second before her envirosuit’s alarms started going off, warning her of the oxygen leak. She frantically reached behind her, trying to find what had been knocked loose. If she got out of this she was going to have a little chat with whoever designed this in regards to protecting vital systems, like life support.

_ I don’t want to die. Not like this. _

As she spun she saw that the planet was getting closer, or, more accurately, she was getting closer to the planet. She tried to control her breathing, to remember her zero-g training but as the oxygen level dropped in her suit the more panic began to set in. Gone were the sounds of explosions, the frantic chatter of the people in the escape pods, the blaring klaxon of alarms, all that was left was the sound of her breathing as her vision greyed out and then went to black.

* * *

There was a monster sitting on her chest and it had claws. Something within was beating erratically, thrumming throughout her. An alarm was shrieking, voices arguing. Her vision was both bright and hazy at the same time. Something was in her throat, causing her to choke. The voices were sharper now, more urgent. She arched off the table, her nerves on fire. A hand easily pushed her down and some random thought said that it shouldn’t be that easy. Then her body felt like it was floating, the pain suddenly gone. The last thing she saw before the darkness took her again was the hazy figure of a woman standing over her. Whether her intentions were for good or ill would have to wait until she woke up again.  _ If _ she woke up again.

* * *

More alarms this time, louder and clearer than before. Everything ached but it was manageable, until she shifted and her ribs made their presence known. Lena grabbed at her side, hoping the pressure would help with the pain. Her jaw felt like it had been dismantled and put back together by a pyjak. She felt like death and wanted nothing more than to lie back down on the bed.

“Shepard, get up. You need to move.”

It was on the tip of her tongue to tell the voice to fuck off but then she heard the gunfire. Clutching her ribs, she rolled off the bed and hobbled over to the locker the voice directed her to. It crossed her mind to wonder why a weapons and armor locker was in a med bay but that was a question for another time. First she had to survive whatever was coming her way and then she could ask questions.

Taking a deep, slow breath she checked the thermal clip on the pistol, a make she wasn’t familiar with and headed to the fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are welcomed and appreciated! :)


	10. Melted

Lena sat on the floor of her cabin tinkering with a piece of tech she’d found on Freedom’s Progress. Well, tinkering was a mild way to put it as she had it spread across the floor of her quarters. Miranda would probably pop a vein if she saw the mess she was making; the Cerberus operative seemed like the tidy type. Good thing that she really didn’t give a rat’s ass what Miranda thought.

The tech itself was a mystery. She recognized the parts of what she had disassembled but not the whole of it. A lot had changed in the last two years, technology being just one of them and she felt woefully behind. For the first week aboard the new _Normandy_ she’d gone through hours of vids, newsreels, and tech specs playing a hopeless game of catch up. To her it seemed like it had only been a few weeks since the mysterious Collector ship had incinerated the _Normandy_ but for everyone else it had been two years. It was difficult to wrap her head around it.

Cerberus had spent those two years and millions of credits rebuilding her. From how she understood it there hadn’t been much of her left after the SR-1 died. Barely more than a mummified husk inside her envirosuit. It seemed like something from one of those science fiction vids Joker liked so much. It shouldn’t be possible to bring her back, not after that. It was like Cerberus had melted her down and reshaped her. Into what she wasn’t sure yet. She still felt like herself, but was she? What exactly had Cerberus done?

Cerberus. Wasn’t that a kick in the ass? She didn’t trust the so-called Illusive Man. And who the hell called themselves that anyway? It was possibly one of the most pretentious things she had ever heard.

What was their endgame? Presumably it was to stop the Collectors and the impending Reaper threat but she didn’t buy it. No, the Illusive Man and his minions had a larger goal, she had just to figure out what it was.

The problem was who could she trust to help her. Joker certainly, Chakwas too, but the rest? She just didn’t know. Miranda, with her genetically modified body and calculating nature, she would trust her as far as she could throw her. Sure she’d been part of them team that had brought her back to life but that was also part of the problem. How could she trust someone who was so closely entwined with the Illusive Man. The woman was almost slavish in her loyalty to him and Lena had trouble trusting anyone who didn’t question the world around them.

Jacob was a bit of a puzzle and she wasn’t sure what to make of him. He’d been Alliance but quit after the Geth attacked Eden Prime. He seemed like a good man, solid, but she couldn’t help wonder why he would join an organization like Cerberus. She couldn’t fault him for his disillusionment with the Alliance, she’d watched more than enough vids and newsreels to see how both the Alliance and the Citadel Council were dealing, or more accurately, _not_ dealing with the Reaper threat. And that was the only reason she stayed on. Cerberus was giving her a way to fight back. She was well aware that Cerberus and ultimately the Illusive Man was using her, but there was nothing holding her back from using them in turn.

There was something between Jacob and Miranda. Not current, but maybe something in the past. It annoyed her that connection irritated her more than a little. Maybe it was because she just wanted to feel alive, to feel like she was human that she felt something there. Only time would tell with that.

If only she’d been able to convince Tali to stay. Lena understood and admired Tali’s commitment to her people and she couldn’t fault the quarian for that. It still didn’t stop her from wishing that Tali was on her side.

She heard the elevator ping as it stopped at her level and tried to suppress a groan. What was the point of having your own private cabin if people still came by and bugged you about every third thing?

Sighing, Lena wiped her hands on the secondhand pair of overalls she’d found stuffed in a crate in the cargo hold. She absolutely refused to wear anything with a Cerberus insignia on it and if she could paint over all the Cerberus logos plastering the _Normandy’s_ walls and get away with it she would.

“Commander, Mr Moreau would like to speak with you.”

And then there was the AI, EDI. Lena _really_ wasn’t sure what to make of that, especially after they had dealt with the rogue AI on Luna base. It would definitely take some getting used to and if she was honest with herself she wasn’t sure if that day would ever come.

Her brows crinkled at the AI’s announcement however. Joker rarely left the pilot’s chair unless it was to go to medbay for treatment. Lena had a sneaking suspicion that the pilot slept in his chair. Not that she was going to knock him down a peg for it. She knew how difficult it was for him to move around due to his Vrolik’s, even with the help from Dr Chakwas and whatever Cerberus was doing for him, so for him to make the trek up to her cabin meant something important.

“Let him in, EDI.”

“Hey there, Commander, I- holy shit, what did you do?”

Lena raised an eyebrow. “You mean besides taking a few moments for myself in my private cabin?”

“I get that but you know we have an actual armory to do shit like this.”

Lena didn’t say anything, just turned back to the piece of tech she held in her hands. She still had no idea what it did and it was driving her nuts. “Is there something I can do for you, Joker?”

“Well, I, shit, no easy way to say this. I know you’re feeling a little out of sorts with the whole coming back from the dead thing. I swiped this from your apartment before the Alliance cordoned it off. I thought it might help.”

Lena looked up to see Joker holding a model replica of an Alliance cruiser. It was one of the first models she’d put together when she first got her apartment. She set down the tech part and got to her feet, walking on unsteady feet to where Joker stood. Taking it from him, she turned it over and sure enough there was the spot where she’d accidentally put a piece in backwards and she’d had to jerry-rig a part to replace it. It was the real thing.

“Just thought you’d like a piece of home,” Joker said awkwardly. “If I overstepped-.”

“No, Joker, you didn’t,” she said, ignoring the slight clutch in her stomach. “This is great. Really, it is. Thank you.”

“I wish I could have gotten some more but it was tricky enough getting this one.”

“Do I want to know how you broke into my apartment? That’s a little different than stealing the _Normandy_ to prove a point.”

“True enough, but yeah, you probably don’t want to know. Plausible deniability and all that, you know..”

Lena laughed, the first real laugh she’d had since she woke up. “Thanks Joker. This really means a lot.”

“Not a problem, Commander. I should get back to it. There’s no telling what that AI has done while I’m gone.”

“I can assure you Mr Moreau that I haven’t done anything to your settings beyond some minimal adjustments.”

“Minimal adjustments? Those settings were just _fine_. Sorry, Commander, I have to go sort this out.”

Lena did her very best to keep a straight face. “Go on, I know how you like things just so,” she said, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. Only after Joker left did she let out a chuckle. Looking down at the model he’d given her, she felt some of the anxiety that had built up in her release.

At least there was one person on this ship who was on her side and didn’t have ulterior motives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are welcomed and appreciated! :)


	11. Order

“Ugh, this place is disgusting.” Lena scrunched her nose at the smell. She’d grown up on a farm and was familiar with numerous smells of varying nature but this was something new. Omega smelled like a sewer. No, worse than a sewer. She had to wonder just how overworked the station’s O2 scrubbers were. From the outside it had looked like a jellyfish, a rotten jellyfish ready to pass into the great beyond. Once upon a time it might have been orderly but after thousands of years of modifications and unsanctioned additions and various gangs vying for control of the station it was a far cry from where it had started out as a mining operation.

“Do you think they’d take offense if I kept my helmet on? The smell is unbearable.”

“The people here will take offense for just about anything, even breathing,” Jacob told her.

“How do they not fall into chaos?”

“The gangs tend to keep each other in check. For the most part. But it’s Aria T’Loak who’s the boss. She rules Omega with an iron first and keeps the gangs in line. Very few dare to question her.”

“Sounds like a swell person.”

“Trust me, Shepard. Without Aria in charge and keeping order, Omega would fall into chaos and probably destabilize the region. And with the Omega 4 relay here we can’t afford to let that happen.”

“I have no intention of usurping her, Miranda. I have more important things to worry about that a crime boss. I’m here to find these people the Illusive Man thinks will be helpful.  We already have the mercenary, Zaeed, but we need to find the Professor, and Archangel. Who comes up with these names? It’s like a weird game of Clue,” Lena grumbled. “It was the Professor in the slums with a hypospray. Ugh.”

Jacob snickered beside her while Miranda gave her a blank look before saying, “These are the people best suited for the mission based on their reputations, Shepard. It’s not a game.

“I know that, it’s just… wait. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of Clue.” At Miranda’s continued blank look Lena couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “Even way out on Mindoir we played Clue. Classic game where you trying to deduce who killed Mr Boddy, or Dr Black depending on where you lived. They even made a movie out of it. It’s a classic detective game.”

“My upbringing didn’t involve such frivolous pursuits.”

“Oh yes, how silly of me. I forgot what a serious life you’ve led,” Lena said with just a hint of ice in her voice. She and Miranda had what could be called a semi-peaceful coexistence. Miranda called herself Lena’s XO but Lena couldn’t help but think that Miranda was just waiting for the moment when Lena would slip up and then she would take command of the entire mission. The woman may have spent the last two years putting her back together but it was patently obvious that she was skeptical of the Illusive Man’s faith in Lena’s capabilities. 

“We should get down to business. I don’t like being here anymore than you do, Shepard. This place always gave me the creeps.”

Lena turned to Jacob. “You’ve been here before, Mr Taylor?”

He laughed. “I did my first job for Cerberus here. Nothing like jumping in feet first.”

“Huh,” Lena said, making a mental note to ask him about it later. The more she knew about her crew, and it  _ was _ going to be her crew, the better she’d be able to put their capabilities to use and the more she could trust them. Or not trust them, she thought as she slid a glance toward Miranda.

“Alright then. Who should we go after first? The Professor or this so-called Archangel. Remind me to ask this guy why he gave himself such a ridiculous moniker.”

“We need to talk to Aria before we do anything. She’ll be able to give us more intel on both of them and then we can make a decision of who to go after first,” Miranda told her.

“Or we could just flip a coin. We have to see both of them regardless.” At Miranda’s hardened look, Lena continued. “But you’re right, best to talk to the Queen of Omega and get some intel on these two. Any idea on how to get an audience?”

“Go up to her balcony and hope her guards don’t shoot us?”

“Straightforward, Mr Taylor. I like it. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are welcomed and appreciated! :)


	12. Divine

“Spirits, the colony is covered with them. Is this what it was like on Freedom’s Progress?”

Lena watched the video feed as the seeker swarms nearly obscured the view of the colony. One could make out the vague outlines of the buildings but not much more. The Collector ship itself sat on the far side of the colony, emitting some kind of energy shield. Mordin theorized that was what was controlling the swarm, that it acted like a sort of queen insect sending out orders. A shiver ran through her as she stared at the ship that was responsible for killing the original  _ Normandy. _ It was bigger than she remembered.

_ Not yet, you bastard, but soon there will be payback. I promise _ , she thought. To Garrus she said, “No, the swarms were gone by the time we got there. All that was left was a layer of dust.” She grimaced, remembering. “Mordin’s pretty sure that dust was the remains of the humans who died there.”

“That’s grim.”

“That it is. Mordin, are you sure that these new modifications of yours will keep those bastards from attacking us?”

“Cannot confirm with 100% accuracy until field test, Shepard, but in small swarms the modifications should disorient them enough.”

“Should be. That’s reassuring,” Lena said before taking a deep breath. Turning to Garrus and Jack she gave them what she hoped was a brave face. “So, you ready to go kick a little Collector ass?”

Garrus chuckled. “I thought you’d never ask.”

* * *

“ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL.”

“Holy fuck, what is that?”

“I don’t know, Jack. Should I go up and ask for an introduction?”

“Hilarious, Shepard.”

“FOCUS ON SHEPARD. SUBMIT NOW.”

“Unlikely, asshole.”

Jack snorted before leaning out of cover and flung a shockwave at the glowing collector. It staggered back one step before it continued it’s advance. Lena launched a drone which it took out within seconds.

“Well, shit, that usually works. We’re gonna have to get some better guns cause my biotics and your little toys alone aren’t going to stop it.”

“We’re going to need to come up with something quick because I don’t want to tango with that thing.”

“As much as I’d like to see that Garrus, how about some grenades for divine inspiration?” Lena said. Garrus gave her the approximation of a turian smile.

“Would you like sticky or frag?”

Lena gave him a feral smile, baring her teeth. “Both. Yeah, both is good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are welcomed and appreciated! :)


	13. Black Cat

“I am  _ not _ wearing that.”

“Come on, Shep. You can’t exactly go into Donovan Hock’s mansion wearing battle armor. Kinda defeats the whole purpose of sneaking in. We have to be stealthy, like a cat. Like sneaky black cats.”

“Not all cats are stealthy,” Lena grumbled as she looked down at the little black dress Kasumi had found for her somewhere (she wasn’t going to ask where or how). It was definitely a step up from the civilian clothes she mostly wore while on the  _ Normandy _ . She had managed to snag a pair of Alliance fatigues during one of their away missions, meanwhile the Cerberus clothing she’d been given sat untouched in her closet gathering dust. She knew it irked Miranda that she didn’t fall in line, she’d even said something about showing solidarity with the crew, to which Lena had retorted that she developed a horrible rash anytime she touched the Cerberus logoed clothing. Miranda had rolled her eyes and thrown her hands up in frustration before marching back to her office. She hadn’t mentioned it since and Lena was going to take the win.

“Well these cats needs to be,” Kasumi insisted. “It’s just going to be the two of us on this mission and we’re going to need every advantage.”

“Then please tell me why we need to bring a ten foot statue of Saren? Couldn’t you have picked something smaller to hide our gear in?” Lena glared through the decks to where she knew the statue was stored, flashing back to that final battle on the Citadel. It had been grueling. Ashley had a near miss when her mag boots had temporarily failed and she almost fell off a ledge, a large chunk of the Presidium destroyed and burning, and she’d had to listen to Saren’s evil villain speech before having to fight him on his giant flying surfboard. And for what? The Council had covered it all up, she’d died, and her best friend thought she was a traitor. Thinking about it all again made her want to put a bullet in the statue. Perhaps it would help her feel better.

A wave of sadness fell over her as she thought of Ashley. Horizon had not gone well. The Illusive Man had told her that Ashley was on planet and Lena wasn’t about to lie to herself and say she wasn’t nervous about seeing Ashley again. She had hoped, desperately so, that her friend would understand what she was trying to do but that hope had turned to ashes within seconds of reuniting. Lena couldn’t blame Ashley for her anger and suspicion, the woman was an Alliance soldier through and through, but Lena had hoped that she would understand some of what she was going through. 

Two years. She’d lost two years. She’d lost the trust and faith of the best friend she’d ever have and of all the trauma she’d endured since the original  _ Normandy _ had been destroyed, losing Ashley’s trust was the most painful.

Hopefully, someday Ashley would be able to forgive her.

“If we want to successfully sneak our gear in we’re going to need something this big to emit the signal. Also, you’ll look smoking hot in that dress. I’m sure Mr Taylor will definitely notice.”

Lena flushed. She’d hoped the mild, crush if you could call it that, hadn’t been noticed by anyone but apparently the galaxy’s best thief had picked up on it. She already knew it wasn’t going anywhere. A few feelers here and there had been shot down under the guise of professionalism. Lena could respect that. 

“It’s not like that, Kasumi. Not at all.”

“Really? Shame. You could use a good night out and I’m pretty sure our Mr Taylor could show you a good time. More than a good time.”

“Kasumi!” Her cheeks were now flaming, embarrassment flooding through her. She’d never been one to discuss her relationships, few as they had been. It was an area of her life that she tended to keep private, firmly believing that it was no one’s business who she was dating. Her relationships had been few and far between. It wasn’t that she was picky, okay maybe a little, it was just that she needed to feel a connection on a deep level before she could move forward with anything more… intimate. With Jacob it had been a spike of attraction, she recognized that now. A part of her just wanted to feel human again.

“What? Oh, fine. You’re no fun,” she sighed before her lips curled into a wicked smile. “If that’s the case, do you mind if I-?”

Lena waved her hand. “Do whatever. Just don’t lay it on too thick.”

“Oh, trust me Shepard. I can be discrete. Now, the dress. We’re going to arrive at Bekenstein any moment now and we need to make sure you look the part of Alison Gunn, scumbag extraordinaire.”

Lena snorted, unable to help the laugh that escaped her. “Fine. But at least tell me I can wear flats or something with a square heel. If I have to move quickly I’m not doing it on ice picks.”

“Trust me, Shepard. I have it all under control.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Any kudos and/or comments are most welcome and appreciated! :)


	14. Luck

“Come on, Joker, tell me good things.”

“I hear the Cubs are in for the pennant this year?”

“Joker,” Lena growled, not in the mood for her pilot’s ill-timed humor. She hated Illium. She hated conglomerates with dirty business practices. She hated mercenaries and she especially hated the mobsters who hired them. But most especially she hated Nassana Dantius. In fact, she hated both of the Dantius sisters and hoped that hell had a warm spot reserved especially for them.

_ This assassin better be worth all this effort _ , she thought as she looked across the narrow bridge that connected the two towers. The bridge was not only guarded by rail guns and mechs but high tail winds whipped around it, threatening to blow off anyone who wasn’t minding their surroundings.

“Sorry Commander, looks like they updated security since Seryna’s last intel dump. The AI says there’s no other way across.”

“Dammit.” She looked at her squad. Neither Garrus nor Miranda looked much worse for wear from their fight up the tower. Garrus actually looked like he was enjoying himself. Besides calibrating the weapons on the  _ Normandy _ there were few things he liked better than taking out a band of mercs. Miranda somehow didn’t have a hair out of place. Lena had no clue how she did it. They’d just fought their way through dozens of mercs and all she needed to do was refresh her lipstick and she’d be ready for a fancy dinner at some fancy restaurant. 

“We don’t have a choice. We have to get across that bridged,” Miranda said calmly, ducking behind a barricade in time to avoid a barrage of bullets from one of the mechs. Miranda had always been focused, laser sharp, but that sharpness was different now. There was an aura of calm about her that had appeared after they had rescued her sister. Having that burden lifted from her shoulders must have released a lot of tension. Lena had even seen her smile, a real smile. It was the first time Lena had seen Miranda genuinely smile and it made her more human, more relatable.

She looked back at Garrus. “I don’t supposed you brought a rocket launcher to take out those turrets, did you?”

“Shepard, you wound me if you think I can’t hit those turrets from here with this,” he said, patting his sniper rifle with affection. “I’m wondering if I should be insulted.”

“Use up some of that luck you say you don’t need and don’t miss.”

“Now I am offended.”

Miranda snickered beside her and Lena did a double take to make sure she heard correctly and decided she had when she saw the crooked grin still on Miranda’s face. 

_ Note to self, remember to write down in the mission log that Miranda laughed at one of my bad jokes. _

* * *

Thirty minutes later she was less than amused. Getting across the bridge had been brutal. Turned out the turrets had some type of armor that took half a dozen bullets to get through to and then it still took Miranda using her biotics to take it down. All the while Lena had zipped from cover to cover, her drones getting shot down almost as soon as she launched them. To say that she was pissed off by the time they finally got to Nassana’s penthouse was an understatement.

She was almost tempted to tell Nassana that she was indeed there to kill her but her mission came first.

What came next happened so fast that it was over almost before it started. She couldn’t help gaping at the scene before her. The assassin Thane Krios dropped three bodies in a handful of seconds before taking out his target. She’d never seen anyone move that fluidly or that fast before. He moved with such a deadly grace. And then he spoke. He spoke of wickedness and atonement. Odd things to hear from an assassin.

“The universe is a dark place. I would leave it a little brighter before I die.”

It was a sentiment she couldn’t disagree with. Nor could she disagree with the next. Innocents had died on her watch as well and she too must atone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Any kudos and/or comments are most welcome and appreciated. :)


	15. Vines

“I’m sorry, this rite involves what exactly?” Lena asked, rubbing her forehead. Part of her still couldn’t believe that she had actually headbutted a krogan but the guy had been a dick and deserved it. The shaman had certainly been impressed.

“A series of trials, human. The arena and the keystone will choose.”

“Well, that’s not really helpful.”

“Wouldn’t be much of a rite of passage if you knew what to expect, would it?”

“I suppose not.” Lena looked over the Urdnot clan grounds. Tuchanka was both what she did and didn’t expect. Intellectually she knew that the planet had been laid to waste by war but seeing it was something else. Buildings made of concrete and steel lay in ruins, the few settlements there were lay scattered across the planet. She tried to imagine what the planet had looked like before the wars, before the devastation and she wanted to picture a lush planet, full of life. A place where it was green as far as the eye could see. Jungles full of trees and vines, full of life.

“Let’s go, Shepard. I’m itching to kill something.”

* * *

The first two waves weren’t that bad, varren and klixen, nothing they hadn’t seen before. Grunt had roared with excitement, the heat of battle burning in his two hearts. The same thrill sung through her veins as well. That is until she rang the keystone for a third time. At first, nothing happened, and then there was a rumbling, the ground shaking. A cold sweat broke out over her skin and despite the heat chills ran through her. She knew that sound, knew what it meant, and even so a scream bubbled and caught in her throat when the thresher burst through the ground.

“Siha.”

Thane’s hand on her arm calmed her. She glanced over at him and even though the fear was still there, would always be there, she could control it and push past it. The vines that had started to crawl up around her limbs withered and burned away. 

Meeting his eyes, she smiled. “Let’s go kick it’s ass.”

* * *

Later in her cabin Lena sat in the center of the room on a yoga mat. She’d had EDI turn up the heat in the room, overriding the AI’s objections. She was sweating again but now it was on purpose. Now she was sweating because she knew that sweating out her anxiety and fear was the best way to calm herself.

And she definitely needed to calm herself. She’d kept it together during the rite and during the fight with Uvenk afterward. She’d kept it together, like she always did. Sure there were little cracks every once in a while but for the most part she kept it together. The heat and the yoga helped.

She inhaled slowly, taking in the heat and in exhaling she let out the cold. The action felt like purification. This was as close to praying as she ever got. Despite being named after a saint, Magdalena, she’d never been religious, not as. When she asked her mother why she’d given her such a heavy name she’d just said that she liked the way it ran off the tongue. Which was hilarious in her mind because people rarely called her by her first name.

“Commander, Thane would like to speak with you.”

Lena slowly opened her eyes, her heart skipping once, twice. There was a pull there, deep in her gut, one she hadn’t felt in a long while. He called her Siha on the battlefield today. She didn’t quite know what it meant but the word held meaning for him, something important, something deep. It wasn’t the first time he’d called her that. Hopefully some day he’d tell her what it meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Any comments and/or kudos are most welcomed and appreciate. :)


	16. Gathering

“You don’t carry much with you, do you Thane?” At his puzzled look she continued. “I just mean that besides your weapons you don’t have anything personal here.”

They were in her cabin lying on her bed, staring through the obnoxious “sky light” the Cerberus engineers thought was necessary to add into the design. She thanked whatever gods there were that they had also decided to put a shutter on it. On too many nights she had woken up from a nightmare, usually of being spaced after the original  _ Normandy  _ was destroyed, and to see that wide open space above her often drew her to the toilet to throw up. But here and now with Thane by her side it didn’t bother her. She lay in the crook of his arm, her head resting on his shoulder as his hand lightly caressed her bare arm. Lena savored these moments. She knew their time was limited. Even if they survived the mission through the Omega 4 relay she knew they were on borrowed time. According to Thane there was no cure for Kepral’s Syndrome but Lena had the sinking suspicion that even if there was some treatment Thane would refuse it. 

“There is a saying among my people: gather memories, not things. Happiness comes from experiences not the material.”

Lena frowned. “But how does that work with an eidetic memory? You never forget anything.”

“It’s the  _ gathering _ of the memories that’s important, siha. Memories are what make us, for good or ill.”

Lena wasn’t so sure. There were definitely memories that she wished she could forget, the ones that haunted and hurt: Mindoir, Akuze, the destruction of the  _ Normandy _ . Those memories she could do without.

“Shutting out the bad memories, it causes a scar upon the soul. You shouldn’t wish them away,” he said as if he could guess what she was thinking. And he probably could. He’d been with her during more than one panic attack and the night terrors that plagued her and each time he’d been able to bring her down, helped her to find if not peace then at least safety.

“They are such a heavy load though.”

“Yes, they are.” He shifted so that he lay on his side. His fingers traced the shell of her ear and she couldn’t help the shudder that ran through her. One that had nothing to do with the mild venom that infused his skin, though  _ that _ had been an interesting experience the first time. Thanks to Mordin’s nosiness she’d been aware of what could happen, but experiencing it was a whole different matter entirely.

“You carry it, siha. And with such grace. Most would break under the weight but you bend.”

“Sometimes I feel like I’ll break though,” she admitted. Thane smiled, brushing a stray curl off her forehead.

“You shouldn’t doubt your strength. I know I don’t.”

A rush of emotion swirled through her. Very few people were able to tug on her heart but he was able to do it so effortlessly. It was at that moment that she knew for sure that she loved him. She shouldn’t, not with everything that was happening, with what would happen, but she could no more deny her heart than the stars in the sky.

“ _ For I have loved the stars too truly to be fearful of the night. _ ”

“What is that? It’s lovely.”

“It’s from an old poem by an Earth poet. What was it called?” Lena closed her eyes, searching her memory. “Yes,  _ The Old Astronomer, _ by Sarah Williams. Ashley gave me a volume of poetry not long after we met, it was one of the poems in it. I think it was meant as a peace offering or an ice breaker or something. She had a thing for poetry. I’m more of a numbers and grease kind of gal but something about that poem just spoke to me.”

“You give yourself too little credit, siha. Your every move, every look, it is poetry. From the first moment I saw you I saw it.”

Lena buried her face in his chest, her cheeks flaming with something between embarrassment and joy. “You still haven’t told me what that means.”

“Siha refers to one of the warrior-angels of the goddess Arashu. Fierce in battle, protector of the innocent. That’s what I see when I look at you.”

Her lips curved slightly. “A warrior-angel? Really? That’s quite something to live up to.”

Thane gently tilted her head with his fingers to have her look at him. He leaned over and pressed his lips against hers and Lena felt her heart flutter. She leaned into his touch, savoring every bit of it. He pulled back just enough to kiss each of her cheeks and then each eyelid before pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead.

“Never doubt your strength, siha. Even when you fall, never doubt it.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not going to lie, I may haven't gotten a bit teary with this one. 
> 
> If you're curious about the poem, you can read the whole thing [here](https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Old_Astronomer). It's one of my favorites.   
> I also found [this arrangement](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rW5Ag7roWI) and totally fell in love with it.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are welcomed and appreciated! :)


	17. Lantern

“Hundreds of years of technological progress and advancement and it’s all brought to a screeching halt by a stupid bug.”

Lena glanced up from the Hammerhead’s engine at Garrus’ comment, wiping the sweat from her brow. He stood across from her, elbows deep as she was in the vehicle’s guts. 

“Technically it was more than one bug.”

“It only takes one to ruin a person’s day.”

Lena grunted in response, swearing as she scooped out a particularly thick clump of bug guts from an intake valve. The swarm had seemingly come out of nowhere and within seconds the Hammerhead was dead in the water.

She didn’t think it was possible but she hated the Hammerhead even more than she hated the Mako. Despite its flaws the Mako was built like the tank it was supposed to be. She actually missed the damn thing, quirks and all. The Mako had been reliable, unlike the piece of shit she was currently working on. The systems started overheating if you used the hoverjets for half a millisecond too long, the so-called armor was about as useful as a wet paper bag, and the single gun only moved vertically, not exactly helpful when you had enemies on your six. Allegedly the vehicle’s VI was supposed to mitigate those problems but she would have preferred a rotating turret and armor and shielding that actually worked as opposed to a VI that told you to look to your left to see a beautiful view. They weren’t on Aite for a sightseeing tour.

“Insects have an advantage of millenia of evolution over bipedal life. Are actually more advanced in many ways than most species. See collector swarms. Very efficient. Also serve vital function to planet’s ecology.”

“That’s all well and good, Professor, but that doesn’t change the fact that unless we can clean out this shit before dark we’re going to have to camp. The assholes who designed this decided that headlights weren’t important. Bugs are bad enough, we run into one of those space cows with this thing and its say goodnight Gracie.

Garrus looked up from his side of the engine, the turian equivalent of a frown on his face. “If that’s some Earth idiom saying we’re screwed why don’t you just say so?”

“Because my way’s more colorful.”

“Camping would not be so bad. No. Could study flora and fauna here more. Would need a lantern though. Can see in the dark, but visual acuity,” Mordin inhaled sharply before sighing. “It is not so good.”

“I’m thrilled that you’re excited at the prospect of camping, Mordin, but I’d rather get this mission done and over with. I’m more than a little tired of cleaning up these ‘little messes’ the Illusive Man gives us.”

“He does seem to have quite a few of those. It’s to be expected. You run a shadowy organization with questionable morals you’re bound to have one or two projects go off the rails.”

“The ones we know about, Garrus. What scares the shit out of me are the ones we  _ don’t _ know about. The ones that are successful and don’t require of clean-up team to hide the evidence.”

“You don’t plan on keeping quiet about what we’ve found here, do you Shepard?” Garrus asked.

“What do you think? Cerberus, the Illusive Man, have been using me since day one and it’s no secret that I don’t approve of what they represent. And don’t think it doesn’t burn me that I’m reliant on them to stop the Collectors. If I could find a way to do this without them I would.”

“I know that. We all do,” Garrus said, sending a meaningful glare at Mordin.

“Yes, yes, of course. Cerberus scientists brilliant but their methodology ultimately flawed. Like Maelon.”

“He got a second chance when you spared him; hopefully he’s doing some good on Omega,” Lena said as she stepped back from the Hammerhead. The intakes were as clean as they were going to get without a power washer. She grimaced as she looked down at her hands and armor. Bug guts covered her and she had the intense need for a decon unit and shower but that would have to wait. “All right, hopefully that’s enough. Let’s see if we can get this bastard started and complete this mission.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Any comments and/or kudos are most welcome and appreciated. :)


	18. Host

They had made it. Lena wasn’t sure how but they had made it through the Omega 4 Relay and were in the final stretch. The _Normandy_ was more than a little banged up, especially after that crash landing, but Joker had assured her that by the time they got done ‘kicking Collector ass’ that he and EDI would have the ship ready to go.

She’d assembled the best team possible. Even though the Illusive Man had handed her the dossiers they were _her_ team and she was pretty sure they would follow her to hell and back. She let out a short laugh. Seeing as they signed up for this mission they essentially were.

“Something funny, Shepard?”

“Not really. Just a random thought,” she said, double checking her weapons. This was the last push and she was going to bring everything she had. “You ready to crash this party, Garrus.”

“Absolutely. Although I have a feelings our hosts know that we’re coming. Especially with the entrance we made.”

“You know me, Garrus. I always know how to make an entrance.”

“Funny, Shepard. Real funny.”

Lena laughed again and then looked over her crew. What a motley bunch they were. They shouldn’t have worked. Individually they were the best in their field but cooperating as a team? They shouldn’t work and yet somehow they did. She certainly wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

“Alright everyone, this is the last push. They’re expecting us so we need to be prepared for heavy resistance. You all know your jobs, I don’t need to tell you how to do them. I have faith in every one of you. We can do this. We have to.”

“We’re behind you, Shepard. Every step of the way,” Miranda said, a steely glint in her eye. They had come a long way since Lazarus Station and despite their differences, the former Cerberus operative had come to be someone she could trust and depend on.

“Yeah, what the cheerleader said,” drawled Jack with only a slight sneer on her face.

“There is consensus, Shepard-Commander.”

“Let’s go be goddamn heroes.”

“Save the celebrations until after we kick Collector ass, people. Let’s go.”

* * *

She knew it was going to be rough but she had never imagined this. Who could have? Waves after waves of Collector drones attacked from all sides, the Collector swarms haranguing their every step, even some husks came out to play. Throughout it all was Harbinger, taunting her with every step forward they made. They’d had several near misses. Samara barely held the biotic shield through their march through the bowels of the Collector base and her own shields had taken quite the beating. Her heart had nearly stopped when she saw Thane nearly pulled off a ledge by a four husks. He seemed to have shrugged them off easily enough with a well-timed biotic throw. Her drones were kept busy as she incinerated any Collector drone that dared to get close.

They made it to an antechamber, the blast doors closing behind them just in time. Lena braced her hands on her knees, breathing heavily. Between breaths she ordered a roll call. Tali, Grunt, Jack, Garrus, Jacob, Miranda, and then silence.

“Kasumi, Legion? Zaeed, report in.”

The line crackled. She thought she could hear their voices but the interference from the swarms was too great. Through the opposite door Tali and the rest rushed through, Garrus slamming the butt of his sniper rifle into the control panel after the blast doors closed.

“Dammit, I said report in.”

More static, the screeches of Collector drones filled the channel. Was that a scream? Someone had an open mic, surely that meant that at least one of them made it. Lena straightened, marching to the door to where the other fire team was scheduled to come through. Her hand on the panel, waiting for the signal to open the door.

“Here Shep, I’m here.” Kasumi’s voice sounded strained over the radio. “Can you open the door? Kinda tired.”

Lena’s fingers flew as she uncoded the door. Kasumi leaned against the frame, her pistol limp in her hand. Jacob rushed over and helped her through and Lena ordered the door shut and locked.

“The old man and the robot. They didn’t make it.”

Pain sliced through her at Kasumi’s words. She closed her eyes briefly, absorbing it and then released it. She couldn’t focus on the losses right now. Once they were done, then she could mourn.

“Sorry Shep. We tried. There were just too many of them. They just took them. They’re gone.”

“It’s okay, Kasumi. I know you did your best.” She looked at the rest of the group. “I know you’re tired. It was a hard fight getting here and it’s only going to get harder. We have to-.”

A angry screeching interrupted her. Turning she saw two Collector drones dropping down from a vent she hadn’t noticed. She barely had time to bring up her pistol before they started firing. Two rounds hit her, breaking through her shields. The blast knocked her back, air leaving her lungs as she fell. There was the telltale glow of a biotic barrier around her, protecting her from additional rounds hitting her. Her vision briefly blacked out when her head smacked the ground; she knew she should have gone with the N7 helmet and not the Sentry Interface.

Lena shook her head as she sat up, gunfire dissipating as her team took down the enemy. Dammit, she shouldn’t have let her guard down. No place in here was safe no matter how secure it seemed. They need to be-.

“Magdalena.”

Lena looked over at the sound of her full name. Thane lay slumped against a barrier, a hand clasping his chest, blood spilling through his fingers.

 _No_.

She scrambled over to him, pressing her hands to the wound. Thane let out a sharp cry as she did so but she didn’t dare let up on the pressure. Yelling for someone to get some damn medigel she swore as the blood kept pouring. There was more than one wound she saw now, it was almost as if he had deliberately put himself in the line of fire.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare do it.”

“I’m afraid I’ve picked a bad time to leave, Siha.”

“Shut up. You’re not going to die. I won’t let you,” she said, grabbing the medigel someone, she didn’t pay attention to who, handed her. She ripped open the packet with her teeth and squeezed it over the wounds, praying that it was enough. It had to be.

“I have no regrets but one. To see the desert with you.”

“Stop talking,” she said, her voice shaky. She couldn’t look at him. She was afraid if she did she would lose whatever little composure she still had. His hand came up, wiping away the tears she didn’t realize were there.

Now she looked at him, heedless of the tears that ran down her cheeks. “Don’t do this Thane. Please,” she whispered fiercely.

“Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me.”

Lena clasped his hand to her cheek as it went limp and the last of his life left him. A single sob escaped her as she bowed her head, kissing him for the last time.

“I will meet you again across the sea.”

Swallowing her tears, she stood up. Her crew stood around her, silent. She looked each one in the eye before speaking. “Jack, Tali, you’re with me. The rest of you, you hold this line. Hold it for as long as you can. Garrus, I need a favor.”

“Anything Shepard.”

“Don’t,” she swallowed heavily. “Don’t leave him here when you have to retreat. Please.”

Garrus placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry, Shepard. We’ll take care of him.”

She nodded sharply, letting out a focused breath.

“Let’s go. Make me proud.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... yeah. I did that. Sorry. If it help I teared up through that last part. *sniffs*
> 
> Thanks for reading! Any kudos and/or comments are most appreciated and welcomed. :)


	19. Astronaut

Lena sat in medbay, numb, as Dr Chakwas looked her over. They had done it. They had stopped the Collectors but it came with a heavy cost. Legion. Lilith. Kelly Chambers. Zaeed.

Thane.

Her lower lip threatened to quiver as she remembered those last moments with him. Like a good soldier she had stuffed it down, used it. She used her rage and sorrow and cut a path to the Human-Reaper, leaving destruction in her path. One could say that she had fully embraced the title of siha and had become a warrior-angel, an angel of vengeance.

Even Jack had been impressed.

And now… now she felt empty. Hollowed out and empty. A stray thought wondered if this hollow feeling would last forever. Part of her hoped it would. If she stayed hollow then she wouldn’t feel.

Garrus was as good as his word and when the rear guard had been forced to retreat back to the  _ Normandy _ , he had taken Thane’s body with them. It couldn’t have been easy, not with Collector drones and more harriying them from all corners, but he had done it. She wished that they’d been able to do the same for Zaeed and Legion but according to Kasumi the swarms had overtaken them both. It burned her that they had been left behind but at least she had blown the base to hell. 

It was just too bad she couldn’t have done the same to the Illusive Man.

She looked out the window, watching the bluish hue of the mass effect envelope swirl by. The  _ Normandy _ was officially hers. If the Illusive Man wanted it back he’d have a fight on his hands. She’d fought off the Collectors and was fairly certain that she could handle whatever he tried to throw at her.

_ Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me. _

Thane’s last words continued to echo in her head. She’d had to do an extranet search on the phrase. She’d known that Kalahira was a goddess in the drell pantheon; what she hadn’t known what that she was the goddess of oceans and the afterlife. Those last words had been from a prayer of redemption. Whether it was for her, for him, or for both of them was something she would never know.

“You’re brooding, Shepard.”

“I’m pretty sure that I’m allowed to brood.”

“Absolutely. I’d be worried if you didn’t. You went through quite an ordeal.”

“We all have.”

“That we did.”

Lena looked down at her clenched hands, her fingers tightly intertwined with each other.

“Do you think those first spacefarers, the first astronauts like Buzz Aldrin and Sally Ride, do you think that they could have ever imagined something like this happening when they made those first steps? If they had known would they have gone?”

Chakwas leaned back against the medical bed opposite from Lena, tilting her head to the side as she thought. “Humanity has always sought what was beyond the horizon, whether it be undiscovered lands or planets. Curiosity is one of our greatest traits,” she paused. “Or worst depending on who you speak to.

“No, I think that even if those early pioneers had known they still would have gone. They wouldn’t have been able to help themselves. Aldrin himself said that, and I’m paraphrasing here, that the urge to explore is what drives our evolution, without growth we stagnate and die.”

“He also said that he was the first man to piss his pants on the moon.”

“A notable accomplishment indeed,” Chakwas chuckled softly. “Wait there, I have one more treatment for you.”

“Doctor, I really-.”

“Hush, I’ll be right back.” She rounded the bed and walked briskly over to her desk. From the bottom drawer she pulled out a bottle and two glasses. Pouring an equal measure into each glass before walking back to Lena and handing her one of the glasses.

Taking a sniff, Lena smiled for the first time since before they hit the Collector base. “I thought we drank all of this.”

“Almost, but not quite.” She lifted her glass of the last of the Serrice Ice Brandy to Lena. “To the fallen. They will never be forgotten.”

Lena swallowed the lump that grew in her throat and raised her own glass. 

“To the fallen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say after everything Lena definitely deserves that drink.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading. Any and all comments and/or kudos are much appreciated and welcome! :)


	20. Bleeding Hearts

_I don’t take orders from you anymore, remember?_

_Consider yourself reinstated... Commander._

Lena sat on a crate in the cargo bay staring down at the dogtags Anderson had thrown at her. They weren’t hers. Well, they _were_ hers and yet they weren’t. They were beat to shit, bent and burned, like her she supposed, but did she really deserve them? Some would say yes, others would say no, and those people would have gotten their way if the Reapers hadn’t arrived.

Anderson still had faith in her and it appeared that he had never lost faith in her. Hands tied by both the Alliance and the Citadel Council he hadn’t been able to outwardly show his support but the fact that he carried her dog tags with him meant that her field promotion was anything but spontaneous. If the Reapers hadn’t chosen that moment to attack it was highly likely that he would have done it in the Defense Council’s chambers despite any objections the members might have had.

She guessed being an admiral had its perks.

“So where to now, Skipper? Are we going to talk to the Citadel Council like the Admiral said?”

“Fuck the Council. We need to stay here in the fight. Those Reapers bastards are destroying our home.”

“We can’t go off half-cocked. We need a plan.”

“Yeah, and the plan is to kick some Reaper ass.”

“That’s an excellent way to get yourself killed. _Lieutenant._ ”

“This is bullshit. We can’t just leave.”

“Admiral Anderson just ordered us to go to the Citadel.” Lena clenched her hand around her dog tags and stood up, facing Vega and Ashley. She shoved down her doubts and fears. Earth needed a soldier, she couldn’t let her bleeding heart get in the way. “And that’s what we’re going to do. Are you really going to defy an admiral’s orders? Lieutenant.”

Vega looked about ready to punch something, namely her, but the wind went out of his sails her her words. “This is _loco_.”

“I know you want to stay and fight, James. Don’t think for one goddamn second that I don’t want to as well,” she softened her tone but the steel was still there. “But without help Earth has no chance.”

“Do you really think the Council will help? They haven’t exactly been helpful in the past.”

“I’m under orders to make them listen.”

Ashley snorted. “This should be fun. Hope I get to watch.”

“Be careful what you wish for, Ash.”

Lena stuffed the tags in her pocket and walked over to the armory bench. The _Normandy_ had gone through a refit in the last six months and somebody with brains had put the armory back where it belong in the cargo bay. She ran her hands over one of the rifles and saw that she was covered in husk and cannibal goo. The smell hit her then and she nearly gagged. A shower was definitely on the list of things to do.

“Hey, Commander? Ah, Admiral Hackett is on the line for you. Emergency transmission.”

“Patch it through, Joker.”

Five minutes later they had new orders and a tiny spark of hope that maybe, just maybe they could win this war.

“Get your gear. We’re making a stop at Mars before heading to the Citadel,” she said. A shower would have to wait. As would the chance to decompress and have a moment to process what had just happened to Earth. They had a job to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Any kudos/comments are much appreciated and welcomed! :)


	21. Nightmares

Lena wandered the _Normandy_ on the trip to the Citadel. Between leaving Earth and preparing for Mars there hadn’t been time to see what retrofits the Alliance had done during the last six months. She hadn’t even left the cargo bay on their way to Mars, only seeing a little more of the ship when they had rushed Ashley to med bay.

They’d barely had time to talk, just minutes really, before the shit hit the fan again and she could tell that her friend was still angry with her. Not mad enough to demand that she be dropped off at the nearest outpost but still mad and wary of Lena’s motivations. She was still worried over what influence Cerberus still had over her and Lena honestly couldn’t blame her. If she had been in Ashley’s position she couldn’t say that she wouldn’t have reacted the same way.

Ash had looked so fragile laying on that bed in med bay. Joker was pushing the _Normandy_ as hard as he could to get them to the Citadel as quickly as possible. While the _Normandy’s_ medical capabilities were top shelf it was still a med bay and not a hospital with all the specialists you could think of and probably some you couldn’t. Lena just hoped that they got there in time, she was tired of losing people.

She was in the bowels of the _Normandy_ , somewhere below engineering and it was so quiet that she could actually hear herself think. There were no people, no terminals blinking, no urgent messages, just her and the _Normandy._ It was quiet in her cabin to but she was easily reached there, here people would have to know she was here in order to talk to her. She had no doubts that EDI knew she was down here but someone would have to think to ask the AI where she was and for now she was going to take the reprieve.

_Meep._

Lena whirled around. She knew that meep.

_Meep._

There, out of the corner of her eye she saw a tiny, furry shape dart between crates.

“Well, I’ll be damned. I thought for sure that some Alliance squib would have fed you to a cat by now,” she said, absurdly pleased that her space hamster had survived the retrofit.

 _Meep_.

Lena crept over to one of the crates and slowly lowered herself onto the floor. She wished she had some carrots on her, Houdini had always like carrots. Minutes passed by as she waited, watching as Houdini the space hamster darted back and forth across the floor. At one point he’d stopped halfway through and sat back on his haunches, staring at her. Lena wondered if he remembered her. If she was honest with herself she was surprised that he was still alive.

She held out her hand to him, palm up, holding her breath as she did so. He inched forward, whiskers twitching. He sniffed her fingers and much to her surprise climbed up into her palm.

“I guess you do remember me. Sorry I don’t have any carrots, buddy. We’ll make a stop in the mess and see if they have any,” she said softly. Before she could move she heard the whoosh of the doors open above her.

“Alright you cheeky little bastard, I know you’re down here. Enough is enough. The Commander is back on board so it’s time to stop this nonsense and go back to your home.”

Lena raised an eyebrow, amused by the exasperated tone in the woman’s voice. She looked down at Houdini, a small smile lifting the corner of her mouth. “Been causing trouble again I see,” she whispered.

“Now, where are you? I’ve got some lovely carrots here and-. Oh, Commander. I didn’t know you were down here.”

Lena stifled down the grin that threatened as the woman came to a full stop at the bottom of the stairs. She held a small bag of carrots in one hand, a cage in the other, and a flustered look on her face.

“I assumed as much as I haven’t been called a cheeky bastard since I was about nine.”

“Oh! I, I am so sorry. I would never, I mean. Oh God, this is a nightmare. This is not how I wanted to meet you, Commander. Comm Specialist Samantha Traynor, ma’am. With Alliance R&D.” She started to salute but ended up smacking herself in the face with the bag of carrots.

Now Lena did laugh. She couldn’t help it. “At ease, Specialist. But I’m curious, what’s an R&D egghead doing in the bowels of the _Normandy_? Trying to build a better mousetrap?”

“No! No, I was just.” Traynor took a deep breath though much to Lena’s amusement the blush remained. “I was just trying to find your hamster, ma’am. He escaped sometime during the retrofit and I’ve been trying to recapture him every since.”

“I wouldn’t take it personally, Traynor. Houdini escaped more than once on me. Though he usually had the good sense not to leave my cabin. That’s where the carrots were.”

“It’s my fault, Commander. I was changing out his bedding and the doors weren’t working properly. He was out the door and gone before I could do anything.”

“You were changing his bedding? I admit that I’m a little shaky on what a Comm Specialist does but I’m pretty sure cleaning hamster cages isn’t in the job description.”

“Oh! It’s not but I, well, your fish had already died and I couldn’t let the same happened to your hamster. And then I went and lost him. I am so sorry, Commander.”

Traynor looked so distressed that Lena decided to take pity on the woman. “No harm done, Traynor, especially as I seem to have found him. Or he found me.”

“I… You. He.” Traynor took another deep breath and Lena found herself somewhat enchanted by how flustered she was. It wasn’t the first time that a junior officer or enlisted had gotten rattled the first time meeting her but this was definitely the most amusing. And endearing.

“Why don’t you bring that cage over here and we’ll get this cheeky little bastard back up to his home?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally we have Traynor! I hope you like her introduction.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Any kudos and/or comments are much appreciated an welcome! :)


	22. Monster Inside

“Didn’t think I’d ever come back here. On purpose or otherwise.” Lena looked out the portside window as Cortez flew the Kodiak to the dig site on Eden Prime. Behind her Garrus and Liara were prepping for the mission. Garrus tinkering with his sniper rifle and Liara going through all the data they had on the dig site. It was like old times.

Before the Geth had attacked three years ago there had been almost four million people living on Eden Prime. The Geth had destroyed a lot of the infrastructure and from what she could tell from the shuttle only the farms had been rebuilt. Why only the farms she couldn’t say but she couldn’t blame people for not wanting to come back after the attack. She had no intention of ever stepping foot on Mindoir again. Some things were best left in the past.

“This is where it all started, wasn’t it? Saren, the beacon, the whole mess.”

“Sure looks different from the last time. Less Geth for one thing.” Which was true but just like last time there was smoke rising from the ground. Black and thick, the kind you got from heavy ordinance.

“Cerberus is here now and they hit Eden Prime hard. Not sure which is worse, them or the Geth,” Liara said, looking up from her terminal.

“One is run by an egotistical madman bent on ruling the galaxy the other is a race of murder machines. Take your pick.”

“Is there a third option?”

“Yeah. The Reapers.”

The cabin went silent at that as the weight of their mission hung over them. Lena pressed her head against the window, praying that this went well. They needed a win.

“Just try not to touch anything hinky this time, okay? Pretty sure you don’t want more Prothean visions swirling around in your brain.”

“Hinky? Really Garrus?”

“There’s no rule saying non-humans can’t use the word.”

“Well, no, but I just never really pictured you saying it.”

“Good to know I can still surprise you.”

“If you hadn’t touched the beacon we would have had no warning about the Reapers. So from a certain point of view, Shepard saved us,” Liara said as she stepped away from her terminal.

“I wouldn’t go that far, it wasn’t all me. I still think a letter would have been preferable to the visions. Or maybe a video? I could do without the monsters they put inside my head.” The monsters that had grown louder as of late. Her dreams were, well, unpleasant was a polite way to put it. They were making sleep difficult. Not that she’d told anyone about them. The only person she would have was Thane and he was gone.

“But less effective I would think. By doing it the way they did the ancient Protheans were able to convey complex ideas in an instant.”

“And almost frying my brain in the meantime.” Lena couldn’t help rolling her eyes a little at Liara’s startled look. “It was a joke, Liara. My brain’s intact. As much as anyone else’s is.”

Garrus snorted. “That remains to be seen. I’ve seen you do some crazy shit, Shepard. Especially lately.”

“And I had an excellent reason for each and every one of those times.”

“You keep telling yourself that.”

Lena wrinkled her nose at him. She wasn’t being reckless, she wasn’t. They were fighting an enemy unlike any they had seen before so their tactics had to change. Sure they were a little unconventional but if it got the job done with minimal loses she could live with that.

“What do you think this artifact is?” he asked.

“Hopefully something more than the recipe for Prothean chicken soup,” Lena smirked, forcing the dark thoughts down.

“Repetition does not make that joke better, Shepard.”

“We’ll have to agree to disagree on that Liara.” Lena moved toward the cockpit. “How are we looking Cortez? Any hostiles?”

“Nothing’s coming up so far. They’re out there though, Commander, you can be sure of that. I’m going to get you into the dig site as close as I can. Hopefully that will buy you some time.”

“Sometimes all we have is luck. Take us down, Cortez.”

She and her squad stood at the side door, bracing themselves as Cortez brought the Kodiak down into a small clearing.

“Think we’ll find any survivors? Cerberus isn’t exactly known for the gentle touch. Hit this place pretty hard.”

“Colonists are tough, Garrus, trust me. If there are any survivors, we’ll find them and get them safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Any comments and/or kudos are most appreciated and welcomed! :)


	23. Scythe

Lena stood just at the edges of the crowd around the Memorial Wall. Scores of photos and momentos plastered the wall, remembrances of those lost to the Collectors and the Reapers. Too many names filled that wall and Lena knew that with each day more names would be added. She hated that the  _ Normandy _ docked next to the Wall, hated the constant reminder of what this war was costing. She normally avoided this area like the plague but today she forced herself to stop, forced herself to look. 

So many names.

“Shepard?”

Lena looked up to see Steve Cortez approaching her. It was a little surprising to see him off the  _ Normandy _ considering she’d had to nearly order him to take shore leave when they had the opportunity. He said on multiple times that he liked keeping busy, preferring the cargo bay and armory to downtime. She knew she barely had a leg to stand on regarding shore leave; if she didn’t have business that required her to be on the Citadel she doubted that she would leave the  _ Normandy _ either. As it was she stuck mainly to business and the Spectre firing range and the occasional burger at the cafe on the Presidium.

“Steve, I see you finally decided to take my advice and leave the cargo bay.”

He glanced over to the wall, his eyes lingering for a bit. “Yeah, decided to stretch my legs a bit. Felt like it was time.”

It was then that Lena noticed the tablet in his hands. He clutched it to his chest like a lifeline. With the way he was holding it Lena felt she could safely assume that it held the last message that his husband had left him. Earlier that week she accidentally walked in on him listening to it and had stood there awkwardly for several seconds, trying to figure out a graceful way to make a quick exit. A feat she had utterly failed at when Steve saw her. She had listened as he talked about his husband and what had happened and realized that she needed to be more available to her crew, to be a sounding board for them. 

“Are you sure?” she asked, meaning more than just getting off the ship. She couldn’t bring herself to get closer than this to the wall. Walking amongst all those people and their sorrow was just too much. Thane deserved a spot up there but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“Yeah, it’s time. Robert told me not to wallow, which is what I’ve been doing. Keep moving forward but remember the past.”

Lena didn’t say anything, just placed a supporting hand on Steve’s shoulder. He took a deep breath and entered the crowd. She watched as he stood at the wall, hesitantly placing the tablet on the wall. Though she was over a dozen feet away she could tell that he was playing the recording, one last time. Lena suddenly found herself insanely jealous. All she had of Thane were her memories and a single photo and that was something she would never be able to let go. Grief went through her like a scythe, cutting her down to the bone and sparing nothing in its path. 

Worse was the guilt. She hadn’t realized it at the time but he was the one who threw that biotic barrier around her. His last moments were spent protecting her which put him in the line of fire. He had taken the rounds meant for her and she hadn’t been able to save him. Kepral's would have eventually taken him from her but at that moment she would have given anything for just five more minutes with him.

What a hypocrite she was. She encouraged Steve to let go of the past and here she was desperately clinging to it. Shame mixed in with the guilt, both of which she shoved down as Steve came back.

“You okay?” she asked, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“I’m not going to lie and say that felt great but it was closure in a way.” He let out a heavy breath, wiping the tears from his eyes. “How are you doing?”

“Me? I’m fine.”

“You know what fine stands for, don’t you Shepard?”

“Uh, it means fine?”

“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, Shepard. It’s no secret that you lost people during your attack on the Collector base, that you lost someone close to you. It takes one to know one.” He paused. “If you ever want to talk, my cargo bay is always open. I’ll even let you work on the Kodiak.”

Lena let out a watery laugh. “That’s quite the offer there Mr Cortez. Won’t your partner in crime get jealous?”

“James? Nah. He prefers crashing shuttles as opposed to fixing them. Leaves the clean up to me.”

“Well, you’re not wrong about that.” She took a deep breath. “I think I’ll take you up on that. I’ve been wanting to get my hands on her engine for awhile now.”

“Have you then? Should I be worried about my job?”

Lena snickered. “Don’t worry, Steve, your job is safe but as your commander I reserve the right to tinker every once in awhile.”

“My cargo bay is your cargo bay, Commander.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Any comments and/or kudos are much appreciated and welcome.


	24. Long Fingers

It was one of those rare times on the  _ Normandy _ where if you didn’t know better you could almost believe that there wasn’t a war going on and that the galaxy wasn’t imploding. The fact that it was the equivalent of four in the morning didn’t really mean much when the Reapers could and had shown up on their scopes but for now it was quiet, something Lena might have enjoyed if she hadn’t spent the half the night plagued by nightmares.

It wasn’t helping that she was feeling itchy. Ever since the Citadel coup she’d been waiting for the Illusive Man’s next move. What was his goal? What did he hope to achieve? Lena scowled at her cup of coffee, her second of the day so far, and wondered if she would ever have a normal life.

“Something wrong with the coffee, Skipper, or has it personally offended you in some way? Just asking in case I should be worried.”

Ashley slid into the seat across from her, a little bleary-eyed, with her own cup of coffee. There were faint dark circles under her eyes. It would seem that sleep was eluding her too.

“Coffee’s fine. As well as coffee can be on an Alliance ship anyway.” She watched, grimacing a little, as Ashley poured an ungodly amount of sugar into her mug before wrapping her hands around it. “Of course, if you doctor it with enough sugar I guess that can mask the burnt taste.”

“Don’t deny me my simple pleasures, Shepard. One of the few things about working out of the Citadel was that tiny coffee shop hidden in the Zakara Ward. It was way out of my way as my apartment was on a completely different Ward but it was worth it.”

“I remember that place, a little on the shitty side with the grumpy waiters. They had that hickory coffee that you could stick a spoon in it and it would just about stay standing up. I’d kill for one of their pastries right now.”

“They do have amazing pastries.” Ashley took a sip of her coffee and wrinkled her nose. “Ugh. Even doctored this is crap.”

“I’m afraid the new  _ Normandy _ didn’t come with a coffee machine upgrade. Maybe I can requisition one for you? I might be able to pull some strings. I have some pull with the Requisitions Officer.”

Ashley let out a low chuckle. “That’s okay, Skipper. I think I’ll make do with the standard Alliance swill.”

Several minutes passed by as they sat there silently drinking. Near the end of her second cup Lena was beginning to feel the cobwebs in her brain fade away. “How is it, by the way? Being back on the  _ Normandy _ ?”

“Weird, if I’m going to be honest. It’s not the  _ Normandy _ I knew but it’s similar in many ways. Never expected to see a lounge with a fully stocked bar in it.”

“To be fair, I had nothing to do with it. That was done during the retrofit while I was, ah, otherwise occupied and unavailable.”

“Yeah, sorry.”

“Nothing for you to be sorry about Ash. The whole thing with Kenson and the Alpha Relay was FUBARed from the get go,” she sighed heavily, downing the last of her coffee. “What was I supposed to do? It was the first mission I’d gotten from the Alliance since I woke up, I couldn’t say no. Especially not to Hackett.”

“Did you really speak to the Reaper? Harbinger?”

“Yeah, and not for the first time. Bastard tried to get into my head, had been since I woke up. Asshole. I’m really looking forward to blowing him up.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there. If I had been-.”

Lena reached across the table, covering Ashley’s hand with hers. “As much as I would have loved to have to you there, I understand why you didn’t come when I asked. Hell, if I had been in your situation I probably would have done the same. It was a shitty situation all around.”

“You took some pretty hard hits all around.” At Lena’s puzzled look she continued. “Being the second human Spectre has its perks. I was able to get access to your mission logs. You know, not many people would have had the balls to send those to Anderson with Cerberus and that AI looking over your shoulder.”

Lena shrugged. “I had to get the truth out. And EDI actually helped me, even more so when the shackles were taken off.”

“I can’t believe you got recordings though. I would have thought the Illusive Man would have installed a jammer or something.”

“Oh, he did. Or had Miranda do it, not sure, but I’d be a piss-poor techie-engineer if I couldn’t squash whatever bugs he put in my way.”

“I suppose that’s true.” She paused, turning her mug in her hands. “I’m sorry about Thane. I wish I had known him.”

Lena swallowed the lump that suddenly formed in her throat. Seven months later and his death was still like a knife to her heart. Not the fiery hot one that she had lived with for the weeks that had followed, it was dull but no less present. Grief had long fingers and sometimes came with claws.

“Me too,” she said softly. “I think you would have liked him.” 

“I have to admit, I was a little surprised you broke your no fraternization rule.”

Lena’s cheeks flushed. During the race to find Saren and bring him in Ashley had teased her from time to time about how some of the crew had crushes on her, she’d never say who, but would drop just enough hints to leave Lena wondering. Even if she had known however, there was the rule. A rule that had fallen to the wayside when she met Thane and now, well, it just didn’t seem like the most important thing to crack down on. If some members of the crew found comfort in each other and it wasn’t harming anything who was she to say no?

“It just kind of happened,” she admitted. “Not sure how.”

“With all the shit life has thrown at you, Shepard, I’m glad that you were able to find some happiness. Just maybe next time, pick up on the clues. I know you’re still grieving and no one can tell you how to do it, but when the chance for happiness comes by again, don’t be so quick to dismiss it.”

Lena started to shrug but then something in Ashley’s wording snagged her attention. “Wait, what do you mean when?”

“Just, be open to new possibilities. Do you want some more coffee?” Ashley snatched up Lena’s mug before she could respond, striding over to the galley as Lena scrambled to her feet.

“Ashley, wait. What do you know? Ashley!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Any comments and/or kudos are much appreciated and welcome! :)


	25. Spirits

Lena didn’t think she would ever forget that sound, the sound of a thousand spirits screaming in agony. In theory monasteries were supposed to be peaceful places, somewhere one could go to center oneself, find peace. What they found Lesuss was anything but peaceful.

She had seen what horrors the Reapers had done to the Milky Way’s species: husks, cannibals, the Collectors, Ravagers, and more had already filled her dreams, but this new enemy, they chilled her to the bone and she knew that they would be haunting her nightmares.

The Banshees were aptly named, their wail pierced through the skull, striking fear into any who heard it. The Ardat-Yakshi all by themselves were terrifying, especially the ones like Morinth who had embraced that darkest side of the asari, but what the Reapers had done was beyond monstrous. In old Earth mythology banshees were a female spirit that heralded the death of a family member; the Reaper Banshees on the other hand, they  _ were _ death.

Lena took a long drink from her glass, enjoying the burn of the whiskey as it slid down her throat to her stomach. She’d never seen anything move so fast. One second they were fifty yards away and the next they were standing in front of you, those long-clawed hands reaching for you, ready to pull you into that final deadly embrace. Liara had almost been taken by one of them in that courtyard. They had seemed to target her especially, continually harrying her, putting her on permanent defense. Lena’s drones managed to keep them at bay but it was a tough fight.

She had tried to stop Samara, she really had, but the Justicar had been too quick, too resolute in her determination to not kill her remaining daughter as the Justicar code demanded. Falere had been despondent at both her sister’s and Samara’s sacrifice. She had given Lena a choice: let her remain at the monastery, promising that she would never leave, or to kill her to ensure she would never leave, never give the Reapers another chance to turn her. Lena couldn’t bring herself to kill her. Samara’s last action had been to try to save her daughter and Lena couldn’t go against that.

Lena took another swallow of whiskey and contemplated a second glass. It probably wouldn’t be prudent, especially as she was in a public area. Getting drunk in her own cabin was one thing but in the lounge where anyone could walk in at any second seemed ill-advised.

Fate manifested her thoughts into reality as the lounge doors whooshed open and Traynor walked in. Lena tried to hide the flush that rose to her cheeks by taking another, longer drink. She wasn’t as oblivious as Ashley thought she was and had eventually noticed the slanted glances Traynor had been giving her and she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t slid a glance or two back. There was definitely interest, she was just… busy.

And maybe a bit wary.

She’d lost Thane not even a year ago, what did it say about her that she felt that tingle of attraction? Samantha was smart, funny, and a bit of a dork what with her super special toothbrush obsession, so yeah, she was interested and yet she held back.

“Oh, Commander, I didn’t think anyone was in here. Most everyone is in the mess.”

“Hence the appeal of the lounge. Pull up a stool, Traynor. Let me buy you a drink.”

“Drinks are free, Commander.”

“Well, I guess that makes you a cheap date then, doesn’t it?” Lena leaned up over the counter and snagged another glass, pouring a healthy three fingers into it and slid it over to Traynor. She refilled her own glass, four fingers, and took a healthy swallow. She ran her tongue along her bottom lip, swiping off a drop of the whiskey. Traynor took a tiny sip from her glass and Lena watched with some amusement as she coughed softly and wrinkled her nose.

“Good God, Commander, what is this?”

“TM88 Peruvian Whiskey. An old squadmate introduced me to it. Takes a little getting used to but I like it.”

“I’ll say so,” she said, setting the glass back on the counter. “I heard about what happened at the monastery. I’m so sorry, Commander. I know that Samara was one of your crew and a friend.”

Lena stared into her glass, swirling the amber liquid around. “Yeah, thanks. Today kinda sucked.”

“Do you want to talk about it? I know I’m not a soldier really, or a doctor, but I can listen.”

The corners of Lena’s mouth tipped up, sincerely touched that Samantha was willing to offer a shoulder and an ear.

“You don’t want those images in your head, trust me.”

Samantha made a face. “So it’s okay for you to keep them in yours? I’m made of sterner stuff than you think, Commander.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, I swear. There’s enough shit going down that I’d spare you the extra stuff if I could.”

“You do know that your helmets have cameras and they record everything, right?”

Lena  _ did _ know that but tended to forget now that she wasn’t collecting information on the Illusive Man. “You... you don’t watch them, do you?”

Samantha lifted her head to look directly into Lena’s eyes. “I watch all of them, Commander. I know I probably shouldn’t but I can’t not watch. I tell myself that if I watch nothing bad will happen to you.”

Lena’s breath caught in her throat, caught off guard by the intensity of Samantha’s gaze and her words. Before she could think about what she was doing, she leaned forward and lightly pressed her lips against Samantha’s, tasting the remnants of the whiskey on them. After a brief second, Samantha leaned into the kiss, her hand coming up to cup Lena’s cheek, her thumb brushing gently over her skin.

Lena parted her lips, deepening the kiss. Something fluttered in her stomach as Samantha responded, her fingers curling into her hair to pull her closer. A moan escaped past her lips, that flutter slowly building into something warmer. With just a simple kiss she felt more alive than she had in a long while.

Eventually she pulled back, resting her forehead against Samantha’s. Her heart was beating hard within her chest and she realized that her breath wasn’t exactly steady.

“Wow, Commander. I guess that answers my question if you’re interested or not.”

Lena smiled as she pulled back, raising a hand to push back a lock of Samantha’s hair.

“I think under the circumstances you can start calling me Lena.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Any comments and/or kudos are much appreciated and welcome! :)


	26. Ash

The landscape before her was barren, burned to ash by the Reapers’ weapons. A field of charred trees spread out before her, the forest a mere skeleton of what it had once been. Shadowy figures wandered about, drifting along seemingly without purpose. In the distance she could see the broken shells of buildings, somehow still standing despite the destruction. Smoke rose up from the ruins, melting into the red sky.

Lena took a step forward and felt something crunch under her boot. Looking down she saw the crushed remains of the  _ Normandy _ lying in pieces. She stumbled back, her eyes fixed on the broken ship. 

_ No. Not again. _

Something screeched above her. Lena was forced to duck as a black mass swept over her head, its cries piercing her brain. They winged overhead, swirling above her in a mad frenzy before scattering. Standing back up she watched as the murder of crows settled in the bones of a nearby tree, suddenly silent as they watched her and she watched them back. She had never liked birds, not since a goose had chased her across the farmyard when she was nine.

Lena was about to take a step back when one of the crows swooped down from its branch, growing in size as it reached the ground. As it grew, its shaped changed and feathers turned to skin. Air seized in her throat as she recognized the face that grew out of the darkness.

_ Shepard. _

The thing that wore Kaidan’s face stood before her, unmoving and staring right at her. Eyes that had once been warm and caring were now blank and cold.

_ Lena. _

Two more crows swooped down, slowly taking on the forms of her parents. Several more dropped down and she saw the faces of the members of her platoon from Akuze.

_ Shepard. _

Another two. And another, and another until they spread out in a half circle before her. She wanted to run, to scream, but her feet were made of stone, and sorrow had stolen her voice. 

_ Shepard. _

The tree’s branches were empty save one crow. Bare branches scraped at the sky as the final crow sat there silently staring at her, into her. In the space of one breath it spread its wings and took flight, arcing up into the sky. It hovered for several seconds before it too dove to the ground, landing in the center of the half-circle. Inky smoke spilling out as a figure slowly drew itself up. Its head was bowed, hands folded in front of it as if in prayer.

_ Siha _ .

Lena ran then, she tore her feet from the ground and ran. The world around her crumbled. Lightning crackled against the sky, revealing the writhing form of a new kind of Reaper, larger than any other she had ever seen. Instead of the insectoid appearance she had become accustomed to, this one’s limbs were more like tentacles and they undulated through the sky while its giant red eye saw all.

The ground underneath her gave way and she found herself falling, falling, falling. Something grabbed onto her shoulder, claws digging into her skin. Lena struggled as more claws dug into her. She tried to scream but she couldn’t gather enough air. Even as she fell through the void she tried to fight off her attackers, determined not to let them bring her down, but there were too many. She was just one person.

Something flashed red. The claws dug in deeper, halting her fall and held her suspended in the air. Lena could feel blood dripping down her face, sliding through her lips to coat her tongue. 

Another flash of red. Closer this time. Lena winced, shutting her eyes against the light. Sharp, hot needles pierced into her brain, blinding her with pain. Klaxons sounded off around her, so loud that she wasn’t sure if there were several or if it was just one. All she knew was pain.

_ SHEPARD. _

This new voice speared through her, louder and more painful than any of the others. Through her closed eyes she saw the light growing brighter, coming closer until it completely enveloped her. The claws that held her suddenly let go only to be replaced by something much worse.

_ ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL. _

* * *

Lena shot up in bed, a scream dying in her throat. Her sheets were soaked with sweat and tangled around her. She frantically tore at them, not wanting even the mere suggestion of having something wrapped around her, and in the process fell off the bed. Too exhausted to move, she lay on her back and stared up at the skylight and out to the stars beyond. They were difficult to see through the mass effect envelope but she could make out some.

“EDI, lights on low.”

“Are you alright, Shepard? I detect an elevated heart rate and increased stress levels in your voice,” she said as the lights slowly came on. “You are also on the floor. Shall I contact Dr Chakwas?”

“No, I’m fine. This will pass.” Lena closed her eyes and attempt to calm herself. Her heart continued to bang against her chest. She pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes and willed the images from her mind. She’d had nightmares before but nothing like this. Her PTSD didn’t normally manifest that way. “What time is it?”

“Half-past midnight local time.”

Lena swore. That meant she’d only been asleep for barely an hour. In the past four days she’d gotten maybe a total of fifteen hours. She was used to running on little sleep but even with the Cerberus enhancements she had limits, she still required sleep and food. If this kept up she would lose her edge, make a mistake. Get people killed.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to wake Dr Chakwas? I’m sure she can give you something to help you sleep.”

Lena dragged herself into a seated position. “No, the last thing I want to do is sleep right now.”

“Shepard-.”

“Back off, EDI. I’m fine.”

There was a moment of silence where Lena actually thought that EDI would listen to her but then the AI spoke again.

“Mr Cortez has explained to me that when people say they are ‘fine’ it actually means they are freaked-out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.”

“Dammit, Steve, stop teaching the AI pop culture references,” Lena grumbled as she got to her feet. She walked on shaky legs to her bathroom and splashed cold water on her face.

“Perhaps I could wake, Specialist Traynor?”

“No! Absolutely not. She doesn’t need to see me like this.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “What I really want to do is punch something.”

“Lieutenant Vega is awake, Shepard. And in the cargo bay. I’m sure he would be willing to oblige.”

A feral grin spread across her face. “Perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Any comments and/or kudos are much appreciated and welcome! :)


	27. Runes

“This place is creepy.”

Lena slid Ashley a glance. “Ash, we’ve infiltrated the Thorian’s lair, attacked not but one two rachni nests, assaulted the Collector base, and a crawled through the belly of a Geth dreadnought but you think  _ this _ is creepy? A bar. On the Citadel. That you find creepy.”

“I wasn’t part of the Collector base mission so I can’t gauge its creepiness level.”

“It was creepy. Trust me. Worse than the Thorian by far,” Garrus said.

“If you say so. Why are we here? If you wanted a drink we could have gotten one at Purgatory. Or any other number of places, it’s not like the Citadel is lacking for them.”

“I’m not here for a drink. I’m here to get information.”

“What? Like getting your fortune told?”

“Something like that,” Lena said as she surveyed the room in front of them. It was dimly lit and incense hung in the air like a heavy cloud. Gauzy fabric draped the walls, hiding deep set booths from view. People talked in hushed tones here, hid their faces behind various types of masks. In one corner she could see a two people huddled over what looked to be a holographic game board. In another an asari sat alone, shuffling a deck of cards. In the booth across from her an older woman tossed what Lena thought at first were dice but when they passed by she could see that they were actually rune stones. They looked old, like hundred of years old. She really hoped that they were made of stone and not bone.

Lena led them back through the room, smirking when heads dropped and people averted their gaze when they recognized her. Good. If people were afraid to approach her then this mission would go off without a hitch. The asari behind the bar nodded to her as they passed and tilted her head slightly to the left. A narrow hallway led further back, its door a curtain of amber beads.

“Seriously Shepard, what are we doing here? I’m getting an itchy feeling about this place. I really wish you had let me bring a weapon.”

“The no weapons on the Citadel rule isn’t mine, Ash. Besides, I have no doubt that you can just as easily take someone down with your bare hands if pressed.”

“Damn straight I can,” Ashley grumbled. “I hope whatever information you’re looking for is worth it Shepard.”

“Did she always whine this much? I don’t remember this much whining when we were hunting down Saren.”

“I do  _ not _ whine, Vakarian. I’m just showing an abundance of caution.”

“Keep telling yourself that, Williams.”

“Hush, both of you. We’re here.”

“And where’s here exactly?”

Lena ignored her and pressed her ear to the door. Garrus snorted behind her, turning it into a cough when she glared at him. She flipped open her omni-tool, tapping in a few instructions before closing it again. “Okay, looks like the room’s open. Let’s go.”

The door slide open with a soft whoosh, revealing a darkened room. Light filtered in from behind them, giving them a bare outline of what lay within.

“Shepard, I don’t like this.”

“Have I ever led you wrong, Ashley?”

“Well, I-.”

Before Ashley could finish her sentence the lights flipped on. From behind the furniture out popped members of the  _ Normandy _ crew.

“SURPRISE!”

Lena pulled out the conical hat she’d hidden in a pocket and sat it on Ashley’s head, unable to stop the giggle that burst out of her at her friend’s dumbfounded expression. Samantha came forward and wrapped an arm around Lena’s waist, a big smile on her face.

“You actually pulled it off,” she said, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek as she handed her a drink. “She looks absolutely gobsmacked.”

“Give me some credit, Sam. I’ve led more than one covert operation. This was a cake walk. Besides, you helped.”

“You, you planned this?” Ashley’s eyes were wide with amazement. She was still standing in the doorway, mouth agape as James came over and handed her a bottle. Ashley took it out of reflex but paused before drinking.

“She sure did. Was real sneaky about the whole thing too. We were under strict orders not to say anything.” He glanced down at the bottle, smirking. “Don’t worry,  _ bela _ , it’s just beer. I wouldn’t give you the hard stuff this early.”

Lena laughed at the half-hearted glare Ashley gave James. Not long after Ashley had joined them she and James had drank a bottle of something, Lena never had gotten the name. She had found her curled up on the couch in the lounge, moaning about her head and swearing never to drink again.

“Happy birthday, Ashley,” she said, clinking her bottle against hers.

“I can’t believe you did this. I never suspected a thing.”

“I would hope so. Throwing your party in the back of a psychic bar was a sure fire way of keeping you off the scent. There’s cake too.”

“Cake? You shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble. It’s too much.”

Lena stepped forward, placing a hand on her shoulder. “You’re my best friend Ashley. It was no trouble. You deserve to have a night of fun.” When tears started to form in Ashley’s eye, Lena shook her head and pulled her into a hug. “Hey now, no crying. This is supposed to be a party.”

“It’s my party and I can cry if I want to,” Ashley sniffed as she pulled back. “Seriously, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now let’s go cut the cake before Mr Vega over there eats it.”

“Hey!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured it was time for a little lightheartedness.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Any comments and/or kudos are much appreciated any welcomed! :)


	28. Headless

“Commander, you need to see this. I’ve found something.”

There was something in Traynor’s voice, a slight tremble that she had never heard before. There was an iron spike stabbing her brain and no amount of blockers was helping it. She needed a lead on Cerberus, she needed to kick them in the balls, but the universe wasn’t cooperating and it was making her cranky. “What is it?”

“I’m not sure you’re going to like it.”

“Stop beating around the bush and spit it out, Traynor. What is it?”

“I was able to track Kai Leng’s shuttle through the relay.”

“Why do I hear a but coming?” Lena rubbed the back of her neck, trying to ease some of the tension. She really needed to get some rack time but it was impossible with having to put out one fire after another. 

“The signal disappeared in the Iera system. Funny thing though, it didn’t disappear, it’s being blocked. All the signals in the system are.”

“By who? Reapers?”

“There are no reports of Reapers activity in the area, Commander,” EDI told her. “In fact, the area is mostly known as a place for war refugees. A place called Sanctuary. It is on Horizon.”

Lena swore. Of course it was on Horizon. But they had a lead. She looked at her crew standing around the holotable. The debacle on Thessia had left them all in varying degrees of anger with no suitable outlet.

“That’s good work, Traynor. You’ve given us a lead. A slim lead, but a lead nonetheless.” She gave her a tired smile, vowing to thank her more properly later. After she’d kicked some Cerberus ass and gotten some sleep.

“Seems like Cerberus has a soft spot for Horizon.”

Lena pursed her lips. “Maybe so, but it’s still a lead. I’d rather have a slim lead than us running around like headless chickens. If they’re there, and I have no reason to doubt Sam’s calculations, I plan to crush them into dust. Cerberus’ reign of terror ends now.”

* * *

“What was that about crushing Cerberus into dust, Shepard? I don’t think that’s a severe enough punishment.”

“Oh my God, what are they doing? What is this?” Ashley’s voice was filled with a mix of horror, anger, and exhaustion. They had spent the last twenty minutes fighting their way through the complex, fighting wave after wave of Cerberus soldiers and looking at the monitor she had the feeling that it was only going to get worse.

“An abomination,” Lena growled, staring at the monitors, watching as Cerberus scientists tortured the refugees. People who had fled the war, who were just looking for a safe place, were rounded up and turned into husks. She, Ashley, and Liara stood in front of a bank of monitors and watched as Cerberus pulled the humanity out of the refugees and turned them into monsters.

“Sounds like your Cerberus friend was trying to stop them. Locked them up at least.”

“Miranda’s no longer with Cerberus. Hasn’t been for a long while now,” Lena said absently, flipping through the channels, searching. “There she is. Oh, fuck me. So is Kai Leng. We need to move. I’m not letting that fucker get away again.”

“What’s the plan?”

“The plan?” Lena said as she took out her pistol and shot the computer terminal, feeling slightly better. “The plan is to find Kai Leng and put his head on a platter.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day late due to a migraine yesterday. Stupid brain.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Any comments and/or kudos are much appreciated. :)


	29. Bones

Datapads had overtaken her desk and were invading the rest of the room. They nearly covered every horizontal surface including the floor, spreading out in a circle around her. Battle plans, troop movements, Reaper intel, the latest updates on the Crucible, there was so much information and so little time to parse it out and decide what to prioritize. She knew others were doing the same and that she was probably treading over the same ground but she didn’t want to miss or overlook anything. They tiniest detail could mean the difference between victory and defeat and Lena had no intentions of losing.

Today was the day they brought the fight to the Reapers. Today they would end their invasion.

She couldn’t allow room for doubt. Doubt made room for fear to seep in and fear could cause mistakes. 

She watched the news feeds that came in from Earth, watched the Reapers swarm over the planet, destroying everything in its path and leaving nothing but the bare bones of civilization behind them and sometimes not even that. Anderson told her that there were pockets of resistance across the globe: Vancouver, Rio, London, and more, but how much longer could they last?

The Crucible was their best and only hope. She prayed that it would do what they expected it to. If it didn’t… well, it wasn’t worth thinking about.

“Just so you know, I’m not cleaning up after you.”

Lena looked up, her eyes slightly unfocused from staring at datapads for hours. Sam sat on the sofa, a drink in hand. When had she come in?

“Normally I find that focus of yours very sexy but there’s such a thing as too much of a good thing. When was the last time you ate? Or got some sleep?” She sniffed and then wrinkled her nose. “Or showered? And if you throw that line of ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead’ at me I will dump this lovely glass of malbec on your head. If nothing else it will force you to shower.”

Lena narrow her eyes at her lover. “You wouldn’t waste good wine like that.”

“If it gets you to take a shower you’re bloody right I will. You need to take a break.” Sam set her glass on the table and walked over to where Lena sat on the floor. She crouched beside her and ran her hand over her hair before pressing a kiss to her forehead. “And you stink.”

Indignation rose within her. “I do not stink.”

“I’m sorry, darling, but you do. You been sitting here for hours pouring over all this data. There’s thorough and then there’s obsessive and you’re bordering on the latter,” she said, gently taking the pad from her hands. “Joker tried hailing you several times, as did EDI. They finally sent me up here to make sure you weren’t dead.”

“EDI’s more than capable of detecting a heartbeat,” Lena retorted, making a grab for the pad. Sam easily held it out of reach and then tossed it over to the couch. 

“True, but unless she’s able to pull you off your ass through some sort of weird AI voodoo a physical presence is needed.”

“You’ve got quite the mouth on you for a Comm Specialist,” Lena grumbled as Sam hooked a hand under her arm and pulled her to her feet. Considering how easily Sam was able to manipulate her Lena supposed she was onto something about her being exhausted.

“You should know considering that it’s been all over you and more.”

Lena snorted, which quickly turned into a giggle. “Pretty sure that I’ve returned that favor several times over.”

“That you have and if you expect it to happen again anytime soon, you’ll need a shower.”

“This obsession with my shower is starting to concern me,” Lena said as she let Sam lead her to the bathroom.

“Hmm. Well, you do know that’s the only reason I’m with you,” Sam told her as she quickly stripped Lena of her BDUs and positioned her in front of the showerhead.

“What about when I don’t have the shower?” Lena asked, reaching for the faucet. Sam’s hand covered hers before she could turn it.

“Well, we’ll just have to get that house with the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids and a space hamster.”

For the first time that day Lena smiled. “I’d like that.”

“Good, because I play for keeps,” Sam said before kissing her slowly. Pulling back, she gave her a knowing smile and then cranked the faucet. “Twenty degrees Celsius, EDI,” she ordered before running out of the bathroom cackling. Lena shrieked as the ice cold water hit her skin, shielding herself from the icy water with her hands.

“EDI, hot water! Hot water now,” she ordered. “That was a dirty trick, Traynor. This is total insubordination. Don’t think I won’t get you back for that.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Twice in one day. In all fairness, you know there had to be a shower scene _somewhere_ , just not the one that Shepard probably expected. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Any comments and/or kudos are much appreciated and welcomed! :)


	30. Witch

The end came in flashes. Arguing with Ashley to get on the _Normandy_ without her, ordering James to get her on. The mad dash to the conduit. Fucking Harbinger showing up. Hearing Sam’s frantic voice over the comms. The final confrontation with the Illusive Man. Sitting with Anderson those last minutes, taking in that last view of Earth. Hackett calling over the comm, giving her one last order.

The Catalyst. Was is a dream? A hallucination? It had wanted her to choose, choose between three impossible options. It had given her a choice, one that affected billions upon billions. But was it really a choice? Could she trust what she was being told? In the end she made the only choice she could.

The world blurred around her. She was standing on Mindoir, watching her eight-year-old self running through the fields with a broom between her legs and a witch’s hat on her head. Chocolate was smeared across her face, her eyes wild with delight. Later, in the dark, playing ghosts in the graveyard and always being caught by the ghost.

 _Flutter, flutter little bat, how I wonder where you’re at_.

Another blur. She’s sixteen, elbows deep in an old flycar her parents had found for her. Grease streaks her face and more than one knuckle is bleeding but she’s never been happier. She thinks it’s a storm at first, thunder rolling across the plains, but then there are the screams and fire and blood. Her mother is there, telling her to run. To run far and fast. And so she runs. She runs and runs and runs. It did rain that night, harsh, cold, and biting, but she was already numb.

_Swooping through the darkest night - You find your way without a light._

Blur. She’s twenty-three. It’s night. Her fellow soldiers circled around campfires, joking, laughing. She sat off to the side, a part and yet not a part of them. Quick and clever fingers moving over her drones, tweaking and modifying, improving. A slight tremble and then chaos, blood, and fire. Giant monsters devouring, destroying. Oh, God, what are they? And so she runs again. No rain on this night, only pain and fear and death.

_Up above the world so high. Like a mouse who’s learned to fly._

Twenty-nine. Engineer. N7. Commander Shepard. Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. Dead woman walking.

Fog surrounds her. It reminds her of the dreams, no nightmares, she’d suffered throughout the Reaper War. Those had been all encompassing, cloying, suffocating, but this, this was different. It was warm, comforting, welcoming but no less disorientating. Where the nightmares had been dark, this was light.

 _Flutter, flutter little bat, how I wonder where you’re at_.

Lena closed her eyes, breathed deep. The scent of the sea rose to her nose. Birds called overhead and she heard the slow slap of water hitting the shore. She could feel warm sand under her feet and the tickle of that water on her toes. Lifting her head, she soaked in the warm sun, feeling a sense of peace she hadn’t felt in a long time, if ever.

“You’re here.”

Lena opened her eyes and turned around. In front of her stood all the people she had lost. Her parents stood at the forefront, sad smiles on their faces. They looked as they had in life, happy and thriving. Tears flooded her eyes as she rushed to them, hugging them tight.

“Hey, Shepard.”

She pulled back from her parents’ embrace to see Kaidan standing not five feet away. Guilt swept over her as she turned to him.

“I’m so sorry, Kaidan.”

“Don’t be. It was my choice. We did what we had to do.”

“Yeah, Shepard. We got to be goddamn heroes. Took down those bastards with us.”

“Shepard-Commander, you have fulfilled your purpose.”

“You fought for order and justice, there is no higher calling Shepard.”

“You did good, child. I’m proud of you.”

“Had to be you, Shepard. Making the hard calls, difficult, but you proved it can be done.”

Lena looked around her, taking in their faces. She saw no bitterness there, no regret, just pride and contentment.

“Siha.”

Her breath caught in her throat as a hand lay on her shoulder. With tears in her eyes she turned to meet Thane. He raised a hand, trailing his fingertips down her cheek. Lena leaned into his touch, savoring it and his warmth.

“Across the sea you have come, my brave warrior-angel.”

“I told you I would.”

“Yes. I would not have wished to see you here so soon. You deserve to live a long life. One filled with happiness and light, not the darkness that’s haunted you.”

Lena couldn’t respond. Tears carved paths down her face as she remembered the people she left behind, wondering if they had made it. Joker. Ashley. _Sam._

“You fought bravely, guided by the Lord of Hunters. Like Arashu, you have protected those around you. Kalahira guided you across the ocean, to bring you peace.”

He both her hands in his and lowered his head so that their foreheads touched. Lena closed her eyes again. In that moment she knew everything she’d done, every decision, every action, had brought her to this place and she found that she had no regrets save one.

“I would have that your journey be done, that your path be fulfilled, but you have more to do.”

Lena pulled back, looking up into his dark eyes. “I don’t understand. What more can be asked of me? I have nothing left to give the universe.”

“It would ask you to live. To live, and laugh, and love, and no more. The time for fighting is over. The time for living is now. And some day, long into the future, we shall meet again across the sea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone gimme a damn tissue. I'm out.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading. Any kudos and/or comments are much appreciated and welcome! :)


	31. Pumpkin

Crisp air blew through the trees, pulling leaves from the branches and creating a whirlwind of color. In the distance a dog barked, a happy squeal of a child quickly following. The sun was out but you could taste fall on the air with winter quick on its heels. For now though, it was perfect.

They were set back farther from the road than the other houses in the area, the address kept quite as much as possible but there were still those with the determination and grit to get through the layers of security to visit the house where Commander Shepard lived. Most kept a respectful distance, very aware that the Commander had lost none of her tech skills over the years and wasn’t afraid to let loose the odd drone or two.

If a nosy reporter or two got zapped when they ignored the warnings, well, that was just too bad.

Pumpkins lined the steps leading up to the porch each carved with a different portrait. It was a tradition they had started back when they had first bought the house, both a way to celebrate the holiday as well as honor the fallen. Lena had been skeptical at first, not seeing the benefit but it soon became one of her favorite activities. 

Lena sat on the porch, a cup of warm cider in her hand. At least that’s what the receptors in the prosthetic told her. She’d lived with it for years and while she’d gotten used to it there were times when it still felt off. At least she could feel that, hers legs were a different story. None of her Cerberus implants had survived the Crucible signal and the Alliance replacements, while top of the line, weren’t quite the same.

They told her she’d been under the rubble for five days. She remembered none of it of course, not while she was awake anyway. The nightmares for that first year had been unlike any she had experienced. A platoon of doctors told her it was a normal reaction considering what had happened. She’d laughed at the first doctor who’d told her that. Normal? There wasn’t anything normal about what had happened to her.

She should be dead. Had been several times according to Sam, but she’d clawed her way back every time, proving once again that Commander Shepard could and would defy the odds. There were days where she wished she hadn’t. Days where the rehab had been impossible, her body refusing to listen to her commands. She’d helped lead a war against the biggest threat the galaxy had ever seen and she could barely put one foot in front of the other.

Joker, Ashley, and Sam had gotten her through it, Sam most of all. Joker gave her much needed perspective, that just because her body didn’t work the way it used to anymore didn’t mean that she couldn’t still pursue her dreams. Ashley helped with her rehab and was worse than any drill instructor she’d ever had. Her friend had never let her give up and never gave up on her. And Sam. Sam made all the difference in the world.

They’d gotten the house with the white picket fence, and security drones to keep the looky loos away. They gotten the space hamster, Houdini II and all her offspring. The 2.5 kids however, that was more difficult. Despite her war hero status, despite the fact that there was no shortage of war orphans in need of homes, the government had hesitated and stalled. Lena for her part understood somewhat but Sam had been devastated each time their application was denied or lost in the limbo of bureaucracy. Her wife had tried to put on a brave face but Sam had never been that good at hiding her emotions. 

It had taken a trip to Admiral Hackett, a slow and painful one as she’d done it without Sam knowing, to sort it out. She’d been sweating by the time she’d made it to his office, the glare she’d given his admin more than enough to get her through the door without a fight. She didn’t like using her reputation to ask for personal favors but she did it anyway. After everything she’d done the Alliance owed her that much.

Xavier and Kassandra had been the first. Being teenagers and twins who refused to leave each other had made it difficult to place them but Lena and Sam had taken one look and demanded a pen to sign the papers. There’d been some wariness on the twins’ behalf in the beginning and Lena couldn’t blame them, but they’d eventually became family. 

Meira had been next. Just ten-years-old and already old beyond her years, in addition to being a war orphan she also suffered from Vrolik’s. Hers was milder than Joker’s but it was enough the scare off the more timid potential parents. The agent had started to dissuade them, saying it wouldn’t be easy taking care of a child with Vrolik’s but she had stopped mid sentence when Lena settled a stony glare at her. If Lena had taken some small satisfaction at making her squirm, well, she wasn’t perfect.

Zan had come last. No one could figure out how a drell child had ended up on Earth and at just three he’d been unable to say. She’d heard about him in passing and had called Sam immediately. They took him home that day.

Now years later they were a tightly knit unit. Not a day went by that she wasn’t surprised by how her life had turned out. She had fully accepted that she would give her life to the Reaper War, willing to make that sacrifice. And she had, twice. But the universe owed her one or two and it had finally paid out.

“You’re going to get a chill if you sit out here much longer.”

“Unlikely. It’s almost 20 degrees,” Lena said as Sam sat next to her, snuggling close. “Besides, I’ve got you to keep me warm.”

“You say that now but I know how you feel about cold feet on your legs.”

“If you would just wear socks to bed then it wouldn’t be an issue,” Lena said, smiling as Sam snorted.

“I’d just kick them off in the night. I’m saving time really if you think about it.”

“You’re asleep, Sam. How exactly are you saving time?”

“Hush you.” Sam let out a happy sigh, resting her head on Lena’s shoulder as she laced their fingers together. “Dinner will be ready in an hour. Any word on when the others will get here?”

“Ash just called and she and James are about ten minutes out. Joker promised he’d be on time and with Lacey driving I don’t have any reason to doubt that.”

“I’ll admit, I never thought that Joker would ever relinquish the pilot’s seat, even to his daughter. Do you know that he used to sleep in pilot’s seat on the  _ Normandy _ ?”

“I do. Caught him more than once. Didn’t have the heart to order him to his bunk. Chakwas was less charitable.”

Sam laughed. “She truly was a formidable woman. I miss her.”

“As do I.” Lena took a deep breath and looked out over the fields and forest that surrounded their house. After so many years living and working in space she never thought that she’d put roots down on the ground again. On a space station maybe but not on a planet. It was funny how life turned out. As the thought went through her head she let out a snort.

“What’s so funny?”

Lena laughed. “It’s just that if you had told me twenty-five years ago that I’d be related to Joker through marriage I would have sent you to Chakwas for evaluation.”

“Lacey and Zan are perfect for each other. They’ve been inseparable since they were five.”

A peal of hysterical laughter rang out from the field and Lena looked up to see her oldest grandchild Sypha chase after the mutt she’d managed to charm Xavier into getting for her. Lena let out a contented sigh. The woman she loved was next to her, her house was full of love and family. She had done as Thane had asked. She had lived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have it! Thanks to everyone who came on this journey with me in helping to figure Lena out. I threw more than a few rocks at her over the last month but I knew she'd get her happily ever after even if she didn't.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Any comments and/or kudos are much appreciated and welcomed. :)


End file.
